A need

to breathe,

to think,

to grieve,

and then

to understand.

One of my favourite past times growing up was to sit on my window ledge and look. I suppose I was looking out and looking in – weird kid I know! It is pretty hard to explain to your kid friends too “Sorry, I can’t come out and play because I am looking out my window.” Funny, because now as a “proper” grown up it is still hard to explain to family, friends or life stuff. I have yet to post a Facebook status that reads, Caroline is “sitting and staring”, but sometimes that is exactly what I need.

The words overwhelmed and introverted had not been introduced to me when I was perched there, cozy on my window ledge. Now I have a clearer understanding of what I was doing. I was powering down and catching up on some overdue brain filing. I was basically doing exactly what I needed, to be able to do all the stuff young people need to do. Grown up Caz, doesn’t have quite the same space in her life to do this though and when left too long gets brain fry.

So this month I am looking to prioritize the art of standby, without explanation or guilt. When the time presents itself, I will take it. I will take the space to complete a…thought. The space to be still with the durge in my head. The time to just look outside, without listing my to do’s.

I no longer have a deep window ledge to perch, but I do have a kitchen table that stands just below the garden window. Certain times are quiet at this table; these are the moments I can grab. There are too many circular thoughts that need to be processed and then filed away. The brain has got cluttered and chaotic. Its storage is full which leaves no space for new or exciting ideas.

I am giving myself the space this February month, to process it all. Do you have a look spot too?