Hanging in my rain.

Came as a reaction

to a forced positivity culture,

that was making me unwell.

My first conscious experience of this came

when I lost a job in my late twenties.

It sucked and happened really quickly.

Returning from holiday we found

the whole company in receivership.

People had been made redundant and forced to leave,

some were staying on in confusion of what was going to happen

and there was me,

sitting at a desk with a few days left

feeling worried and lost.

A friend with job told me:

“when one door closes another one opens”.

“There’s plenty more jobs out there – you’ll see”.

I got a whole article of framing positivity in your life left on my desk.

This was just a day after I had found out.

Am I not allowed to just be a little bit sad right now?

Am I not allowed to be just a little worried about what I’m going to do?

Do we have to live Disney tunes every day?

Rationally I knew it would all work out in the end.

I was never afraid of work or what I did,

I always found something.

Yet at that moment, I was kind of sad

that I had to leave my buddies.

Right at that moment I was nervous

of having to go out in the world,

interview for work,

get to new places, find a place to end up.

Right in that moment I was lost and just needed a bit of time to process.

Four weeks after my Dad died,

I was held back from a history class.

“You haven’t handed in your work is there something wrong?”

“Why aren’t you doing your work?”

“Do you understand the question?”

She must know my Dad has died – it isn’t a big school.

I must be supposed to be over it now.

I understand the question – but home is a super sad place right now.

Mum cries every day.

We all walk around the house in a daze.

I sit at my desk and can’t focus.

It seemed grief wasn’t a good enough excuse.

Two months later I was brought into the head of our school.

I am having some feedback that you are falling behind in your work.

Is there anything going on at home?

Inside me – you know my Dad died.

Outside me – “no I guess. It’s hard to study at home.”

Head – this is an important year – you are a smart girl – I know things have been difficult, but to get to university you have to hand in your work.

Inside voice

I just want to curl up in bed all day.

Outside voice “ok”.

I never gave myself space when Dad died,

and no one seemed to think I should.

The problem with not giving yourself the space is that it comes back.

Or – is it even always there – volume down – volume up – it doesn’t leave.

So now I give myself space.

I will hang out in my rain – my sad times for a little while.

It is hard when they persist for sure.

I have been there too,

needing to ask for help.

The rain was starting to drown me.

But when the little sads,

the little mads,

the little fears come,

I recognize them.

I rest.

I talk to a friend.

I say I am sad.

It is because of this…

I don’t need fixing.

I don’t need positivity.

I probably just need a “that sucks”,

An understanding why I might not be out for a few days

or even a few weeks until it has passed.

Then I can come play again.

I don’t stuff it down like I thought I should.

When it seemed I needed to perform my normal.

IF I had taken some time to hang in my rain.

To seek help then – it could have helped my future clouds a bit.

I now see the clouds.

Remind hubby – it might be raining for a few days here.

I rest.

I read.

I cry.

Then I come back to myself.

And join the world again.

I don’t mind a little rain now and again.

And if it ever starts to drown me

I promise to reach out for help.

Help is there – I promise.

Sending love to anyone currently hanging in their rain.

Thinking of you.