Ahhh the freak out.
Yes, I am a little bit in ALL of this years sentiments – but the FREAK OUT?
Well that one is me 100%
It is perfect timing to pop this lovely lady right after the act of grandeur I was encouraging last month. See, the freak out happens everytime for me just before a grandeur act is about to come to fruition.
Whatever it is I have signed up for or been accepted into – 1 week or 2 weeks before the date – after a very grown up and reasonable lady has shown herself for quite some time – this other crazy person takes over me and likes to shine.
ALL the good work I have been doing on being calm, doing the work and having faith in my abilities will just be chucked right out the window. IT is like a tornado that comes on through. I will doubt my work, make silly mistakes, feel utterly overwhelmed at the outstanding things that need to be done or get really fixated on some small part of a project and blow it way out of proportion.
It is nice to write about this state in the calm state that I am in now – as I can see how aware I am of my own weaknesses in the here and now – but the reality of the “I’m crap, this is crap, that will be crap and I can’t cope with that crap.” Can feel so real.
I am very lucky to have my people in place – my creative group,my family and my friends who all know this cookey side of Caz very well. They will talk me off my ledge, rub my shoulders, lullaby me and feed my confidence back to a state of health. Will there ever come a time that this won’t happen? Who knows! Maybe if I become experienced enough, but wouldn’t that mean I wasn’t really challenging myself anymore? Wouldn’t that mean that I wasn’t then fully alive in what I was doing? Darn it, is this what it means to be fully living the creative life I always wanted to?
The fact remains that there are more and more things that I am not a hair pulling mess when I once was. I can hang my art in front of people without getting a migraine and losing sight in one eye, I can sell my products comfortably at shows I have done before, I can still pull projects together at the last minute when I really thought they weren’t going to happen. This is all learning and growth for me. Yet new things are going to make me flap no matter how organized, meditative or low sugar’d/caffeinated I become. I honestly think it is a part of workings right now for the being in something that means so much to me.
So hair pully, cry / screamey I may get sometimes. But that doesn’t mean I pull the plug. I still do the “thing” – and each time I do this I might just learn that just because I think I suck at this, just maybe I’ve got this more than I know.