August is here, the weather is warm, and the sky is bright.

This summer I have loosened my grip on

how things should be,

what needs to be accomplished,

how things are going to go.

It has meant , an enjoyable summer.

People ask

“how’s your summer been so far?”

I reply,

“It’s actually going really nicely.”

I’m surprised.

I don’t expect it to feel nice?

I don’t think it has before.

I’m not sure why.

Expectations?

Older children?

Older me?

Somewhere along the way I’ve let go of a lot.

I’m not in my studio making

– that seems a lot at the moment.

I’m not taking the kids on adventures or outings

– that seems a lot at the moment.

But I am doing little things.

Little things that help me stay on track and that feels good.

Grilled cheese sandwiches are my staple.

I’ve made some nice fruit pies and cakes – that go well with ice-cream.

We have some kid plays, swim practice and everyone seems happy with the chill time at home.

I’m still open water swimming – early in the morning.

I am eternally grateful for how grounding and enlivening that feels.

I’m reading.

Some rubbish, some interesting, some learning – it’s a nice balance.

I’m enjoying the peace I get in the day when it comes.

I’m not pushing myself to be more.

I sometimes feel guilt with this.

Mostly I find the comfort that loosening my grip has made me feel happier.

I remember now that I also told my husband this weekend that I feel terrified most of the time.

How can that be right?

Loosening my grip may be the only way forward for me.

I do feel calm and I do feel happy.

I do also feel an internal terror of how things are going.

Somehow this is true.

Somehow this is where I’m at right now.

Somehow, I loosen a little bit more.