Hello there!
Over there!
Way over there.
How are you?
It’s May.
I think the calendar wants me to talk about “digging deep”.
I don’t think I am really digging deep right now though.
I think I’m more hanging on.
Hanging in.
I just went for my first little outing by myself.
I live about 7 mins walk from town.
I wanted to check out the market and have a little wander.
I really needed some time alone and to get out of the house.
It sadly didn’t feel as good as I had hoped.
The 7 min walk was slow,
and a bit puffy in places.
I feel like I am recovering from a hospital stay or something.
It’s a bit weird out there right now too.
Lots of different types of masks.
Lots of people avoidance.
I got home a little shattered with a headache.
That doesn’t seem very deeply digging does it?
What is this called?
I’m not sure.
I don’t feel sad.
I don’t feel happy.
To be honest I’m not sure I feel anything at all.
Am I just existing at the moment?
Is this a phase of numbness.
Is this just meh?
It’s hard to create things when you are feeling nothingness.
I have tried.
It is pretty poop – what I am making at the mo.
My Poop phase I guess.
Somewhere in the back of my head I can hear a voice saying it’s ok.
That it is just a phase right now.
I know I believe it too.
So I’m not particularly worried.
Just a little lost maybe.
A little blah, pottering around, settling on not much.
If I feel like I have come out of hospital.
Is this just recovery time?
Is this what it needs to be?
Is this what a lot of us need to give ourselves?
Some time to open up slowly.
To find our feet tentatively.
To feel our new way gently.
Will that help us start back?
I honestly have no idea.
IT just seems to be how I am at the moment.
I think I just gave myself permission to get better.
No deep digging.
Just gentle movements and
gentle voices to ourselves.
Permissions granted for whatever it is we are feeling.
Whatever we are deciding.
Confidence in this wishy washy way of being.
Knowledge that we will find strength again.
Just maybe not today.
CX