Hello July!

Hello Readers.

Hmmm ok, hello Reader.

I recently saw a lovely comment on instagram from someone who said nice things about me and then wrote “particularly her blog.”

Ummm what was that?

Someone read my blog?

I honestly don’t know if people do or don’t read this, but I so enjoy writing it and I write it to help me understand my stuff. If doing this connects with other people – then that is just amazing. Usually though it is me re-reading things and thinking man – I should totally do that – when I fall off the rails somewhere or other.

So hearing someone new read my blog I thought I better look back and see what was there. So hop over here I did and wow – that was some last few months to be thrown into. Bless the reader for sludging her way through this years writing with me because it has been a bit sad and a bit dark – as it seemed to need to be, while I worked through some of my hidden shadows.

I didn’t really know what I meant exactly when I said I had to go “to the dark” – I just knew it was pulling me very strongly and seemed impossible to ignore it any longer – the whole chaos around me outside in the world – left me with no place to hide.

I was scared too. Really, really scared because I worried, I wouldn’t be able to make my way back – I was worried the shadows would engulf me too much – as it had felt they had been trying to. I had been avoiding them so much that it felt like numb was better than the alternative. Then numb didn’t feel better anymore – numb was hurting me more than the sad – and the sad was there anyway in the background – so I just succumbed as best I could while still managing the semblance of life stuff that was necessary for my day to day.

Fatigue has been the biggest thing – then anger – rage – oh and tears, lots of those, lots of snotty sobs.

The difference for me now – than when I have tried this before - is having my pictures, my doodles, my writing. It is the reason I go on and on about the creative process and having this little bit of magic in my life.

As I scrunched myself up in my studio, I found a page in my sketchbook – I closed my eyes and this woman appeared – really fuzzy, but she came. She had long hair, a big calm smile, and arms outstretching towards me – she is flying and kneeling – I am not even sure that is possible – what with me still being ground bound, but hey it seems like a pretty cool position to ride the skies with. She’s reaching to me – and do you know what she said?

She said, I am Wisdom.

Darn it if telling you this isn’t making light tears come again.

Good tears though – emotional, but ok – you know those ones?

SO I drew her with a pencil in my simple, kid like way.

I wrote wisdom under her arm.

Hello wisdom I whispered and with that whisper guess what other words came pouring out.

Heard, understood, knowing, aware, nurtured, grounding, protection and loved.

Wow hey!

I had to back track at that point – over the words above I wrote “Comes”.

Then I backed it up and on the page opposite I wrote “From”

Then I listed without too much thought:

Lost, alone, neglected, sad, missing, hurt.

These were my top 6 it seemed.

I sat back in my chair and studied this page.

I let it sink in.

It hadn’t engulfed or drowned me like I thought it would.

It had guided me.

I scribbled a note to myself:

“It’s ok to look at these negative feelings – you aren’t losing yourself – you are just turning your eye to look at the shadows that lurk inside, so you know what you need.”

I am lucky.

I have a practice that supports me in this emotional roller coaster.

I have my pictures and now I have a clearer idea of where my work can be heading towards again.

I can head towards feelings of being:

Heard, seen, understood, known, aware, nurtured, grounded, protected and loved.

I do this for me.

And if this ever connects with someone else – then that is always AMAZING.