I have been having a creative fuzz recently.

That icky, uncomfortable feeling seemed to be coming back..

That dissatisfied, uncertain, gnawing inside.

What?

I ask.

What is it?

Actually that’s a lie.

That is NOT what I did.

I was more…

I can’t deal with this now.

Can’t you see we are in the middle of a pandemic?

Do you have to start up again now?

Inner gnawing didn’t like that.

Didn’t much appreciate;

my sugar offerings,

my gin top ups,

my late night TV binge watches (Little Fires everywhere - I thank you),

my incessant creative podcast playing,

or my late afternoon napping.

“I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR YOU RIGHT NOW”

I shout, hiss - like a cranky, tired mum at her wits end.

OK then,

It answers.

Have it your way,

It thinks.

CRASH

I am unable to do anything.

Any concrete thoughts I have in the morning - dissolve - totally disintegrating by the afternoon.

The inner critic pops up with a huge smile on her face.

Yippee she says - I have been soooo bored in there.

I’m coming too says large depressing cloud.

Don’t forget me calls out “utter hatred of everything and everyone” - you know you need me too.

At once - they all look at each other?

We’re gonna do this to her - together?

Pause.

Ha ha - yep!

She should know better for gawd sake.

Let’s get her.

She’s mine, no she’s mine.

…come they did.

They were right though - I do know better.

They came and after a while I remembered,

OH … you really do need my attention.

I knew already what my “thing” needed.

What it was asking of me.

It has been guiding me a while now.

Further and further it has taken me to this place

inside that I have buried away.

I have danced with it, and my inner “thing” has let me do this.

Given me the space - but says now it’s time.

It is time to go to that darker space.

Time to find, uncover

and hopefully release these sadder feelings.

The dark has lurked too long.

Shaped too much of how I experience my now.

IT is time to make some darker pictures.

Pictures of loss,

of loneliness,

of isolation.

I hope you still come on the journey with me.

I totally understand if you don’t want to.

I have to do this to be honest.

I have to do this to see the whole.

To not look at this side of me

Is to ignore too much of me.

My hope though is that by doing this

more of the other sides of me get to come out.

Get the space and freedom they need too.

I’m ok.

Honestly - I’m totally ok!

Letting it out is better than what has been happening.

I worry of course -

Taking what feels like a very vulnerable course -

In a way though it is all the same.

It is me

Feeling stuff

and turning them into pictures and words.

I don’t know if you have been feeling that uncomfortable roar inside of you lately too?

What untouched project is it asking you to begin?