It is only ever
one step,
that is all
I need
to take.
When ready,
repeat...
It is only ever...
SO where do we want to go?
What paths do we want to choose for our life?
Overwhelmed? Me too!
I feel like a kid being forced to answer “what will you do when you grow up?”
I wouldn’t do that to you though – you know that.
Nope this is going to be about noticing those feelings of "yes this is me", and just taking one baby step towards more of that. And when that step has been done? Taking one little baby step more.
When I took myself out from under the covers I actually had a very clear idea of what I needed in my life and what I was missing. Are you that way too? I wonder if a lot of us know what we would love and where we would like to go – at least in a general sense – but get over-whelmed by the details of how.
We see people doing what appeals to us, but we compare our beginning to their middle. We feel we can’t possibly, it isn’t for us, who are we to dream and so back to the covers we go with our mis-placed presumptions.
So what if there was another way?
What if we just did one step that was in line with that dream, that need we all have deep inside us?
What if that was all we committed to do - one step? I mean, we could do that right?
Back story (as my son would say).
My need was creativity.
I remember, embarassingly clearly, the first day I decided that I had, had enough of bad feelings.
That to step towards one thing I loved and fail had to feel better than this rotting away feeling I had inside me.
The first step was not pretty! I’m not going to lie! I bought 3 tubes of paint and totally destroyed a piece of paper with splatters and smears of paint. You know when you hear how someone begins and it all becomes clear. That is not what happened. I had a big piece of paper with huge smears of ugly paint. NO matter how I looked at it – it was ugly. Then I went back at it again – with more ugly smearing, clotting paint – this time in an ugly crying frenzy. Guess what! I had just the same ugly, giant piece of paper, painted like a mad woman and a very ugly red, shamed face. This was my first step.
I didn’t feel much better at the end of it. I felt drained, but I knew that yes I had made some terrible art – but it was still a step of creativity. That was all it had to be. It was just a step – not a goal, not an achievement – all I set myself was a step and my step had been made.
The next day I took my second step. I cut up bits of fabric I had and stuck them all over my ugly paper. I was less frenzied, less judgemental of myself. It was crap, but it didn’t matter so much. It was the step that mattered not the result. I had taken 2 steps on my chosen path.
I did this again and again and again. Step, step, step. I added thread one day, cut it all up another day. Re-stuck it together again on another piece of paper. Step, step, step.
This is pretty much how I have continued on this journey for 4 years now. I know what I am committed to and each day I try to take a step in line with that. Now this is where that darn human nature part steps in. Even though I have carved out this path for myself, I still need CONSTANT reminders that I am doing ok, that I am doing better than before. So if I can be of any assistance please watch out for these human nature hiccups.
1. Steps can be any size. This has to be your mantra! Sometimes you will have the time and space to really develop on something, other times life will really like to interrupt. This is going to happen! NO point in fighting it. The key is to always know what your next step is and make it work to your life as it stands now.
2. Sometimes life will be amazing and you find you can run up 5 or 6 steps with ease and joy. Everything lines up just right. Other times it will feel like you have been on the same spot for a lifetime, looking at the same damn view. Just know you are still on the right path no matter the speed you are moving. Everything happens in ebbs and flows. If the step feels too big to climb – make it smaller and smaller so you at least sense some positive movement. If you can't even do that then mantra to yourself ebbs and flows, ebbs and flows.
3. Ha this one is the best one. Some days you are going to feel like you fell down the whole flight of your steps. I get some nights like this. In fact I had this feeling yesterday when after a week of flying up with ease I got too ahead of myself and bump down I go one, two, three. This is set back time. Be kind to yourself. Whatever happened you didn’t fall down the whole flight, you just stumbled on a couple. Hang onto the rails, rest and begin again when you are ready.
We are often told to never look back. I don’t agree. If you feel like you are really right back where you started, take a good look at where you started, it is amazing how far you have actually come.
Does this help at all? Does it feel manageable? I hope it does!
I have talked about creativity here only because that was my need, but it can be anything at all. Anything that you have had murmuring inside yourself, but been too scared to tell anyone. Or maybe it is the thing you find yourself saying you wish you had done, to friends – assuming the time has passed. The time hasn’t really passed for anything, I honestly think – you can set yourself one step for anything at all! Blimey!
I hope you enjoy the rest of your September CX