July - is all about the brown stuff hitting the fan



Look at that, you’ve made it over half way through the process. Well done guys! See it wasn’t as hard as you thought it was going to be, hey? You had a greater sense of yourself and what you needed than you thought, I’ll bet. Maybe, dare I say, you had more talent than you expected and look you found new and old friends who get it, who get you, who support you and all you are trying to do. The universe has shown itself to be quite magical sometimes, hasn’t it? Opened up doors you never knew existed…or that the “likes of you” could have ever been a part of. Isn’t that great…isn’t that amazing, isn’t this everything.

And guess what!

Just at that moment, that very moment where you start to relax in the moment…feel a stronger sense than ever before that you really have got this…a determination and an energy for something that makes your brain sing and your heart swell…don’t things just start to go all bloody wonky again. WTH!

It can look like anything.

Life throws you a curve ball like never before.
That thing on the thing suddenly isn’t working out like you thought it would.
That surety turned out to be not quite so.
That razzle/dazzle you were enjoying has now gone and lost some of it’s shine.

Sometimes this wonky can come from within – you might be stirring up some stuff inside you that just has to come out.
Sometimes it comes from our outside – a relationship, a health, a finance, a new situation.

I don’t know what the “thing” is for you, but I do know for sure that this happens.
This happens to everyone.
This is infact as much a part of the process as the good stuff.
This just is.
This is what life is too.

The other thing I know for sure is this isn’t because of you, it is just what is happening right now and it really, really sucks. All we can hope is of it’s passing as quickly as possible and our growth on the other side.

The good thing about this bit, is we get to have a little control over this bit.

1. We can help ourselves to understand when we are dealing with a something, with a now thing and when we are holding onto the something or the now thing. There is a difference and it is important we try to see when that line has been crossed.

2. We can work on dealing with the thing in it’s very own, abstract space and try to not let it rain too much into the stuff we can still hold as good.

3. We can hold our knowing that this shit happens to everyone not just us because of our laziness, unluckiness, uselessness or whatever our “beat ups” are.

4. We can do this by remembering our true sense of who we are still, separate from this “thing” that has come to unsteady us.

5. We can give up the blame and the guilt and the brain rambles with some of the things we have done with this project and the 2 before in this blog. (See I did prep us!)

6. And this one, my most favourite of favourites of all of these …we can keep our sense of humour of all things…because that truly can be the best medicine of all in the face of so much.

I am sincerely sorry to anyone right now who is experiencing their “down” time. I know mine will hilariously occur usually the day after I have confided in someone just how good things are. We CANNOT let this stop our celebrations though – these down times come – we can’t eliminate them by not looking at the good either. That just makes us grey. Our times of celebration’s will come back – that is another thing I definitely know!

Don’t give up on your projects if you can when these dips come. The dips mean you are still in the process, you are still on your path. Even if you need to totally scale down for a while, that is ok, just try to keep walking though. You will come to the other side of this.
The dips and the downs and the downright blown off course’s are always going to be there for us as they are, sadly, the process of life. Sometimes just knowing that can keep that croc at bay!

Always walking with you on this.
CX

June - is all about filling our well



Ahh this month is a really fun one – no dark emotional wranglings this time I promise.
See I can be fun Caz, well sometimes.
This month we get to think about playing and connecting with the things that make us all giddy and goosebumpy inside.
What turns you on creatively, what do you connect to, what is pulling you at the moment?

This isn’t indulgence over work – this is fuel for the work. We need to be thinking about this all year, but a month's focus will get you into good practice. You know me by now, I am not asking you to spend big money, travel to the ends of the earth (although I do have a travel bucket list) ..you can find these things that make you sing in your everydays or at least your weekends. Plan a workshop, a coffee with an acquaintance who inspires you, a new book – a library book. Even google “pretty blues” – it honestly doesn’t matter how big or how small – it just matters that you start the process and fill your well again…top it up regularly rather than letting it run dry with burn out.

So now I want to let you into a little Cazza secret, as it might help you with this practice, especially if you struggle with the guilt or the trap of too busy. I want to talk about birthdays.
Now stay with me.

Unless you have one of those extra special effort birthdays – adult birthdays can kind of suck.
DO you remember when you were a child and how special your birthday would feel?
Even if it was a school day it felt different – lighter – like everyone was a part of and in on your special day.
Fast forward (cough, splutter) how ever many years and it is impossible to capture that kind of childlike, birthday magic.
You probably still have appointments, responsibilities, work loads, deadlines and bills.
Life still chugs on and within that space you try to feel different, to feel lighter, but sometimes the push of “special” can make it even harder – this is my ONE day you say – shouldn't it feel more?

Hmmmm but what if it wasn’t your one day?
What if I gave you permission for another very special day in the year?
A day I like to call fake birthday day!
Birthdays can be whatever – but imagine how it would feel if you knew you had another special day tucked in your pocket still to come – what if you celebrated “Fake Birthday”?

Fake birthdays are amazing!
For one thing you get to choose the date – you can even decide last minute.
“Oh wait hang on it’s my fake birthday day”.
If you spy a day in the future that looks like it could have fake birthday potential simply declare it.
Now what makes a good fake birthday? Here are some of my tips.

I take a day that already looks pretty nice. Maybe I have some booked time alone somehow or have a little workshop planned. Something that is already in line with what I would love a nice birthday to look like.

I don’t really tell anyone (obviously – because it sounds mental) – but it is my little secret. I don't involve anyone too much as it really gives you the space to do what you want to do without any justification. Your real birthday is kind of a public space, people are involved with their ideas of what you would like - this one is just you in complete charge! So maybe after a nice lunch you take a different walk in a park, stop into a bookstore you wouldn’t normally go into, go to a favourite spot, read a book somewhere quiet. What ever it is, add a little more to an already lovely day. Sure you still have to do some life stuff – but it isn’t your birthday so you're not as frustrated by life stuff…because this is your secret day that you are just squishing some really good fun into.

And my last rule of thumb?
Sure I gave you permission for one fake birthday, but once you get a feel for them maybe you’ll let yourself have a couple of fake birthdays a year. The best thing is these ones don’t age you! They probably even make you stay a little younger, because they allow you to leave the guilt packed away for doing something you enjoy.

I know right!

So this month take a fake birthday – even if it's your real birthday - to help top up that well of yours.

This is just between you and me, yes?

CX

May - is all about the emotions arghhhhh!



Welcome May!
Funny how as the weather gets lighter my theme gets a little heavier.
I will try not to make it too heavy I promise!
This is a theme with a lot of layers too, when you start to delve in.
It can be VERY personal in it’s meaning and relevance to you, just as it is to me.
So I don’t want to get too bogged down either – hmmm let’s see how I do!

On first glance we are taking a sidestep from where we were heading with our personal projects. We are moving from a practical headspace to the emotional.
I guess we had to go there at some point.
When we embark on something that is important to us – the emotional is always going to be involved somehow.
The question is how are we going to handle it?

My creative journey started from an emotional space.
It was me feeling down that made me grab the idea of bringing creativity to my life almost by my teeth. If I hadn’t been so low I don’t think I would ever has seen it as important because I wouldn’t have needed it so badly.
Finding this way of joy helped to lift me and anchored me better to my day to day.
I guess you could say (though I loathe to do so) it gave me purpose.

When we embark on this kind of journey we are never doing it in isolation.
We have day-to-day necessities and we have people who surround and love us.
The role of creativity is not to distance us from this but to be woven into the fabric of our life as it stands now.
With my situation it can be no other way.
It is unreasonable to expect life’s needs to stop needing us – this is a fact.
We always need to go as much to where life needs us as where our creativity leads. As a mother and a citizen there can be no other way for me and I never expect it to be. My journey walks hand in hand with this and sometimes the universe will give me more time with my work and sometimes work will slow a little to give time for more pressing needs. As frustrating as it may be sometimes, if I want to stay sane and kind this is a truth I have to accept.

That said (and this is where it gets interesting) – I am also a terrible fixer of things and have a strong need to know, that oversteps the boundaries of how involved in peoples lives I need to be. This is something that I have needed to check myself against. This is not something that other people put on me – this is something I put upon myself. I feel like I can tell immediately when something is not right for someone – I can feel it or see it in a glance. I thought this was a gift of mine, but as I grow older I wonder if I am not really using this as wisely as I could.

Because I didn’t have something strong to ground me in my own life I tended to be swept by other peoples emotions very easily. I thought in some way I was helping, but I am beginning to see that the person I was helping was me, in the distraction from my own stuff.

I am really happy to be there for someone – I see myself as a crap cook or practical person (I am always so stunned by people who do the really helpful stuff when people are struggling) – but the one thing I can do is listen and try to understand. This is something that I want to do, especially if it can even help. It helps me to feel closer to people and I am better with the big stuff than I am the small chat.

My mistake though is that when I leave, I seem to take a person’s feeling or situation onto myself and will let this live inside my head and my body well after the conversation has finished. This is my and only my issue. This is not what my friend has asked or expected of me and this is where my responsibility fails them. It is not my place to hold someone else’s private and highly personal feelings. People have shared themselves with me to create space to figure things out and they have trusted me with this. They do not need me adding to their problems by thinking that I am now leaving with their emotions and their hurt and burying them inside myelf. This is not helping them one bit and I am just figuring this out!

Thinking of it in this way has helped me hugely in allowing myself to still be there for my friends and my family without taking their experiences for myself. This lets me be a much better listener, supporter and leaves me with the energy I need to figure out my own stuff and to get on with my own work. My work has given me the anchor I need to know where I fit in the world and allowed me to be a much better support than coming apart when someone is suffering. SO I still can’t bring good lasagna or help with the cleaning, but I can be there for you and this time I have the perfect energy to be there appropriately. I have learned that your experiences are just that, yours, just as it should be and I can now walk with you through them as I have a much stronger footing than I used to and I have my work to anchor my own feelings so I won’t get swept out. You are good and I am good!

What sweeps you out to sea in your life?
How can you use your project to anchor you better?
Are you emotionally drained and is there anyway you can better protect that?

These are just some questions you might like to ask yourself if you feel that you are lacking in energy for the project that you love doing. It can make more space for you, your friends and family and your work.



If you are embarking on a project that is important to you, you will find yourself attracted and pulled towards people who are doing similar things, have similar loves or are treading on a similar path to you. This is the great stuff! This is the place where you finally feel you are finding your people, your way and your direction from the fog. One thing that I want us to keep in mind though is that everyone is doing this at their own pace. Everyone has different circumstances surrounding them that will affect the speed with which they travel and develop and that's ok! That's ok as long as we remember this. I had to make this little saying as it is so important for me to keep in mind when I see myself sliding down the slippery slopes of comparison. I have neither the energy, staying power or surrounding circumstances that allow for me to do any more than I am currently doing - i am working as hard as I can, given all I have and where I am today. That makes me feel sooooo much better!

April - is all about the peeps



Ahhh welcome April, welcome.
This sun is shining here and everything feels just a little bit lighter, a little bit happier, and a little more skip in the step. This should help us with our next stage, as I am going to push us a little harder now. The time has come to bring our ideas out into the world, at least just a little. If you are still in the really early stages of the creative process then I would say hold off on this. Imagine your work as a baby bird in your hands, even a soft release in the world would end badly. Your work is too vulnerable at the mo - too in need of nurture. Let your bird gain more strength, more mobility, more feathers first. Then it will be ready to flutter. If, however, you have been making great strides with this process, then you are ready for support, accountability and sharing. This will help you stay on track as you progress through the year, where your initial thrill may wane and the inevitable bumps in the road come up.

Now remember I said a "soft release" of our ideas into the wild.
This isn't the time to throw ourselves to the lions, but this is the time to bring together a select number of people who are like minded, light hearted and safe speaking.

A few months after I started my pictures I knew I was looking for people who were creative too.
I wanted to be part of something that reflected my interests.
I wanted somewhere I could talk about what I was working on without feeling stupid and I needed something to make it feel real and important.

I managed to club together 4 people that I knew from different avenues of my life.
Our first meeting was at the little blue house with coffee, cake and wonderful conversations about our different creativities. We realized from that first chat that we enjoyed talking about our projects, our dreams and the issues we were facing.
These were conversations that we didn't have with our families or friends and to give ourselves that special time really helped us to focus on what we were looking for. For me it made my little pictures (that were in very early stages) a reality and a possibility for more. We decided to meet every other week and have been doing so for what is now our 5th year. We are currently 8 members, including those original 4! We have seen a lot of change for everyone over this time - people will go through tough months and great months in their creative progress. We see life's interruptions as pulls of time and changes of focus come in waves for all members. People who have to leave can always come back when they are ready and there is a true solidarity between us all. I have never been a "joiner", but this group of people has been a real anchor for me.

I would love for you to go out now and make your own little group of people.
If it helps here are a few tips I would keep in mind when you begin your creative mate hunt.

Be brave!
People really want this - creative pursuits are very isolating - there is a need for connection and people are usually, very receptive to the idea.

Be Sensible
If you have someone in mind, but you know that they can be difficult, they are not going to be good for the group.
Keep the idea of safe, kind and easy going as a guide.
You don't need drama in this area of your life.

Be Simple
We keep our meetings to a really simple format.
There is not a great deal of prep work that anyone has to do just for the meeting.
It is open enough to be all about their own goal.
Our format has worked for a long time and I think it is it's simplicity that kept it going so long.
We go around the room and each person talks about what their last 2 weeks have been like for their creative pursuit and then we go around again and list our goals. There typically arises a theme that also becomes a general discussion in there.

Be aware
Your group is going to go through changes.
Be aware and open to these as it will keep the energy going.
We are trying some new things out this year as we needed a little more accountability and are also going into more detail about some common hurdles (a focus meeting on social media for example).
We are starting to do regular format for one week and then a topic discussion or focus the next one.
This has really engaged us all I think and made us more committed to our creative pursuits.
So when change is necessary be aware and open to it.

Be Accountable
Accountability is the big take away from these meetings.
You are going to find that with each little step you take (ummm complete Bobby Brown steal and now in my head), you will be making progress that would be hard (read impossible for me) to make if you were doing this alone.

Be a cheerleader
No matter the size of your group, you will all celebrate everyones wins.
Other peoples wins are inspiring for your own development.

Be a Supporter
You can share each others work, go to events other members are involved in, purchase products or simply listen attentively when things get hard for other members. This is never your competition - this is your safety net.
Being an active supporter and participant will make your group the success I know it can be.


Are you ready to find some friends?
Do you have people in mind already?
Don't be shy - they will honestly love the idea.
I am excited for you and your new gang.
You will be amazed at what you all can achieve - I promise!

CX

March - is all about the uncertainty


Hello, how are you today?
Did February wreck you or did you find a way through?
Did you get to make your statements?
Are you ready to go?
How are you going to start?
What are you going to do?
Why are you doing that?
Arghhh!
All these questions hey!
All these questions that demand a neatly packaged response.
Yep, this is our third stage and these questions are coming for us.
They are coming for us from the outside and the inside.
These questions are going to come strong.
They are going to come loud.
And they are going to upset and distract us if we aren't just a little prepared.


Who in your world is asking you questions?
Who is sending you into a tail spin at the moment?
Is it family?
Is it friends?
Is it you?
From the outside, innocent enquiries of “so, what are you up to these days?” or "what do you do?" can send you on an excruciating journey of word mincing and body shifting as you worm your way through some uncomfortable explanation.
This picture came into being because one person asked me “What do you call that thing you do?”
Along with my uncomfortable, high pitched giggle and calling it my “basket weaving” it left me with all THOSE questions that I berate myself with - what the hell am I doing, what is this, is this really something or just me being weird? Can this ever sustain me financially - if not then why am I doing it - am I doing it just to make myself happy - isn’t that selfish - shouldn’t I be giving my time to more constructive things?

Sound familiar?

This month is all about knowing that you have no idea what this is - and then beginning to enjoy that, in fact insist on it. Do not try to package your "this" into anything just yet - it is too young, too frail, too innocent. Keep nurturing it, not forcing or directing it. Let it direct you - let it take you where it wants to go - let it take you at the speed it is ready to move. Get comfortable in that awkward space - let your brain go nuts trying to boss you around, but ignore it - or tell it to take 5 breaths and chill out - let it know, it will be alright. When you feel the strict voices come, hush them gently - not now, not now - no deadlines, no expectations just you and your project however it may look.

Where are you going with that?

No idea.

What are you gonna do with that?

Who knows.

What is the point of this?

We’ll know later.

How is this going to look?

Not sure yet.

Are you happy?

Good god yes!

Easy this one hey!
Quiet the mind, relax the well meaners, get a big cushion and schooch on into that comfy armchair. You might as well get comfortable because this could last a while.

All the best my friends with all the things.
CX

February - is all about the commitment


I am excited for this month's theme because it is kick up the bum time for me.
February is time to get on.
January was a lot in my head of what shall I do?
Where am I going..what do I want..who am I?
Blah, diddy blah, blah.
February is more about - let's go girl!
Now if you feel like you still don't have answers from January's investigation do not panic.
The exercise below is still for you.
I thought I had a good sense of what I was going to do this year, but my commitment exercise showed me how mis-guided I was and forced me to sit down and get honest and real.
Oh No! Not honest and real Caz..I'm not on the internet for honest and real.
I want escape and purdy.
I know, I know...but what if I could get you both?
See...now I have your attention.

Ok, so before I go into my spiel I should start out by saying that some of you are of course way ahead of the game.
Yes, yes, put your hands down we know who you are (ummm hubby)!
So if you are ready, concrete plan and concrete commitment then your month is easy.
Go to My Noisy Boys Facebook page and print out / fill out the commitment report I have posted there and away you go.
You got this!
Keep it somewhere easy for you to find and refer to if you feel you need a reminder of your plan of action.

Ok commitment phobe folks like me.
Walk this way.
I am going to take you through my process to show you how important this task is for us!
My first commitment sheet was this!


Isn’t that a grown up, business savy kind of commitment to make!
DO you know what happened as soon as I saw these words on paper?
I felt a mixture of sick, deflated and stressed.
Instead of burning that inner flame brighter – it dampened and snuffed it out.
It wasn't just that my years plan did not inspire me – it actually made me feel ill.
I have time constraints in my life right now.
Adding 2 MORE shows to my year as well as demanding time in the week just wouldn't fit with my current situation
and would just add too much stress to my family.
How could I have got this so wrong?
Wasn't this what I had been working towards for the last 4 years?
Wasn't this just the next step?
Apparently not for me.


Me feeling so ugly with what I thought "should" be the way for my year put me back a bit.
I went down the rabbit hole of, then why am I doing this?
Obviously I shouldn't be spending valuable time and money on this venture if I'm not ready to pursue it.
Spiral, spiral I went.
But then I chanced a chat with a friend and as she was talking about her own pursuit of goals she said something that completely resonated with me.
She said:

"I strongly believe that there is a place for me and what I have to offer, I just don't know how that looks yet."

Yes! This creative journey I have taken myself has never been about business.
It has been about my own sanity.
Connections with people since I started this journey though has been an amazing off shoot from this and is part of my fuel.
My pictures & words help me to understand the foggy things & sometimes they help other people too.
There is a place for this and there is a place for me - I strongly believe that too.
So after this tea and cake revelation I went back to my pukey commitment sheet, printed a fresh sheet out and wrote this:



These make me smile.
These give me friendly, realistic direction.
These keep me on track.


Making a commitment to ourselves is very important for the sustainability of our project for the year.
It is easy to start passion projects, but then come the days where you run into a problem or a life interruption or a crisis of esteem. Then working on the project can become a task or a problem in itself. You might be in a foul mood, a tired mood - you might be hangry and you won't be as passionate about turning up. This is just a natural part of project completion and we can discuss that later in the year, BUT if you are already starting with a commitment that isn't a real reflection of you and what you really love then you are setting yourself up for a fall before you have even started. Learn from my mistakes, please. You can print off as many copies of your commitment sheet as you need. You have a whole month to take those ideas out of your head and commit them to the world - then just check in and make sure they make you feel your coziest version of yourself - as then you know you're onto something truly exciting!

Best of Luck with it all
CX

January - is all about the where to start?


Happy New Year gang!
How are you finding the start to your 2019?
I hit January like a slug…soooo tired and a little bit numb.
I can definitely see why I put rest as the first month for last year’s project.
The first week or so I was in total rest need.
Now I can start to feel the shift.
The rusty brain cogs are beginning to move, but v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y.
That’s ok!

When I sat down to think about this January post, I realized we are all probably in different places with our year’s plans and our thoughts for our project. Some of us will have been ready off the block with the Christmas tree already disposed on Dec 26th and our “Year Goals” in pretty lettering stuck up on the fridge. Others of us (ummm me) are more passive processing – maybe on the couch, horizontal position, staring into space while zombie eating chocolate and murmuring “don’t know, chew, chew, what to do, chew, chew”.

With this in mind I've come up with 3 scenarios.
See if you can find you in there somewhere.

For the ready and raring to go

If you know exactly what project you want to work on this year, then this is for you.
Maybe you have everything in place and just need to start.
Maybe you have been working on something before and would like to commit more time and space to it.
Or maybe you just have a few easy, manageable things to set in place and you are ready to go.
The key for the ready and rarers is that the thinking and deciding period has already been done.
If this is you – you are doing great – permission to start.
Your word for the month is GO.
Go, go, go and enjoy.

For the hmmmm I think I have some ideas… but I’m not completely sure.

If you have an idea of something you have always wanted to do, but unsure how to start.
Or you have a few ideas for things, but unsure which to pick.
Then this one is for you.
My word for you this month is TRUST.
It seems like you already have a voice guiding you a little so this month learn to trust that voice that has given you these inklings.
Listen hard to what it is saying.
Your cloudiness could be due to all kinds of factors.
You may be scared, shy, pleasing others, or dealing with old opinions.
When we give ourselves the chance we often know exactly what we want to do.
It’s clarity just gets messed up by these others factors.
Don’t be hard on yourself – whatever you learn or do is ok.
Starts are just that, starts – they do not have to become big concrete goals.
If you have a couple of ideas and honestly can’t decide which to choose, start the one that most appeals.
If you needed a couple of things to start, then get those couple of bits (Aside - I said couple of bits…do not get overwhelmed at the store – start with one thing or a limited palette, you can go nuts later when you are more certain).
The key here is to start, play and TRUST your own movements.
There is no rush - slow is good.
When you go slow you move quietly and it is in this quiet that you hear properly.
Learn to trust that wise voice because that voice knows – it just needs encouragement to talk more.

For the Project Zombie

If you don’t have a clue what you want to do,
how to go about doing the thing you don’t know what to do
and don’t even know if you want to be doing the thing you don’t know what or how to do.
Then this one is for you.
I know it might not feel like it, but this is going to be the best month and the most fun.
Don’t get bogged down by the idea of a project.
This can sound too packaged when you are in zombie state.
Take it right back to the simple idea of happiness.
When I ..(what?)… I am happy.
What do you need to do to find the answer for this?
Look back at what sparked you when you were a child?
Remember something that has left your routine because of life things?
Is it as simple as enjoying a subject through books, a friend, tv?
Keep the idea as loose as possible,
as open as possible and take a step towards that.
Your project might not be very tangible straight away because you are still figuring out the flow of the path.
Let this be the enjoyment, not the goal seeking.
If best, don’t share these curiosities you will be following until you feel more sturdy.
People can well meaningly affect your flow with an off hand comment.
Your word I would say is PROTECT.
This process is vulnerable for you and important.
It will be building on a foundation so it is good to make sure you are feeling secure and sure-footed.
I was in this place about 4 years ago.
I was lost and unhappy.
I took steps so slowly and found my pictures.
The process of finding them felt sacred at times and other times like a painful squeeze.
I felt the joy they sparked, but the feeling was so fleeting at the beginning.
It is this fleeting spark though that you are looking for.
The spark is going to become a brighter and brighter light the more you do, but it begins as just this occasional flash.
What is it that creates this light in you?
No matter how small or silly it may sound to you at the mo – write it down,
or give space for remembering,
or just be awake and aware as you go about your business.
These are what can guide you for this year.
Excited now?
I hope it’s yes.


Whichever stage you are at, I want to welcome you to your own yellow brick road.
It is yours and only yours!
There is no one ahead or behind you.
There is no expectation of arrival or completion.
You are still a participant in the “musts’ of your daily life,
but this time you have your own little space in the world too and that little space is all yours!

Have great January Cx

An Introduction to Pearls of Random...for Crafty Creatives 2019


I wanted to say hello before we embark on our monthly themes and welcome any new readers to the blog. For three years now I have made a calendar and each month write a little blurb about whatever it is we are looking into at that moment. This year I have chosen to take us through the highs and lows of personal projects and hopefully guide you to following through on something you have always wanted to do. This was a little introduction that I wrote on the Facebook page that goes with this year's calendar under the name Pearls of Random...for crafty creatives - open to anyone who owns a calendar.

"I remember the exact moment that I came up with the idea for this year’s calendar.
About this time last year I was having a chat and a coffee with a friend at our local café The Fish Bowl where I had hung my pictures for the 2018 calendar. A couple of friends of my buddy were at the café and came over to say hello. Through chit chat it transpired that I was the person on the walls. Both friends immediately spoke of their own creative dreams with such passion – one lady had always wanted to write her families history from detailed diaries she had found and the other lady was a lover of watercolour painting.

I was so excited to hear about their projects and told them that it was completely possible for them to start their creative dreams. We had such a big chat about it and the friends were ramped up and raring to go, but when I asked them what they thought they might do to get started their air seemed to escape them – their enthusiasm waned. What just happened? I could hear the doubts come flooding out as quickly as the passion had flowed – they looked around the pictures on the walls and spoke with such a foreign description about my stuff. I realized they were looking at the pictures on the wall and thinking that somehow my creative project was different to theirs. That somewhere I had a confidence, a strategy, a great plan, a secret that they did not have.

I wanted to exclaim – NOOOO this is just me and my wonky self – this is just the stuff I do – I don’t have a clue what I am doing, where I am going or how to do this either. I just started, made stuff, made some more stuff, step by step. I throw pictures away, yell at paper, moan to my husband, doubt myself (a lot!!)…I nearly passed out when my pictures were first hung on the walls. I don’t have money, or public validation. No one is telling me that this is what I should be doing in any way. If I stopped doing this today – no one would notice – I don’t say this in a poor me kind of way – I just mean that you can start or you cannot, but it is completely up to you.

You don’t need permission, professional credentials, a huge space, or a work contract…you just need to take that first step. That little step that is taking you closer to your creative project you have inside. Taking the time to think about the journey of a project I have chosen 12 themes to help you along. You may see yourself, you may not, and you will probably have a few more stages you would like to add."

I will check in again next week to talk more fully about January's "Following my own yellow brick road", but in the meantime if you would like to join the private discussion group do pls head on over to the Facebook Page as well. My hope for the page is that we can be an invisible support and helping hand you can take along your way, especially when we start to step out of our comfort zone. I see us keeping each other accountable for the personal, quiet goals we set ourselves, the little ones, which may or may not lead to the bigger ones. Whatever we achieve at the end is not the prize, it is what we achieve in taking a step, and then another towards that inner dream we all have that makes us secretly smile.

I look forward to getting to know you better, learn about your projects, cheer at your successes and nod knowingly at the things that are making you wail. Until next week. Cx

December - is all about the Gratitude



Gratitude

For all
I have learned,
I am thankful.
For all I have met
And all that I have,
I am thankful.
For where
I am now
And who
I am today,
I am thankful,
I am thankful,
I am thankful.
Tonight
I sleep tight,

Goodnight.

Ahhhh December, December!
How best to describe it?
Let me try.
So every day of the year has at least 2 hours of large intensity.
1 hour in the morning and 1 hour in the evening.
It is that moment where I am tired and yet EVERYONE in my household has an urgent, noisy, need at the same time.
It is a crescendo of “day”, and in that very, very moment - the dog will make a piercing bark for some doggie necessity and my brain will start overwhelmingly screaming. That moment happens every day for a relatively short period of time and that, well that feeling for me is the month of DECEMBER.

December is the month where all the sensible creatures on the planet take the time to retire, rest, replenish and restore. Whereas we decide, that the dark of winter is the perfect time to PPPPPAAAAARRRRRRTTTTTYYYYY the whole month long. The calendar is brimmed with events, needs and expectations. We hear the shrills of “making memories” and the drum beat of “tradition, tradition.” I look at us all, standing in this thing and see forced smiles with scary eyes. “‘Tis the season,” I hear myself say....””all the things” my brain repeats “all-the-things.”

And each year I promise myself that this year, this year will be different. This year I will do the holidays the sensible way, I will be strong with the word “no” and “not this year”. I will recreate that feeling of simple contentment and bliss for the season that I used to have as a child. Yet the feelings of stress rise, the plans fall out of my control and I start to get sucked into the hustle, I start to feel bad that I’m not doing “all the things”, that I am lacking in some way and end up feeling even more stressed and fraught. “Happy Holidays.”
Glug, glug Baileys.

Phew…sorry, I lost myself a bit there didn’t I.
Should I start again?

As lovely and twinkly as this time of year is – it is stressful.
There is no escaping or denying this, in fact the more we try to pretend that this is fun, fun, fun the worse we feel not better. That said – we do not need to run to our covers just yet – it is going to be ok! We are going to get through this, I promise. Survival at best yes, but maybe, just maybe I could squeeze the odd genuine smile in there too.

How Caz, I hear you cry? Ok, stick with me – because this might sound a little naff, but I have found it really works. It is a game I play called mini-miracles. Gratitude has become an overplayed word these days…so I have come up with a simpler version that you can play each day, your own little secret game. Everyday is filled with a mixed bag of stuff. Stuff will go right, stuff will go wrong, stuff will go REALLY right and stuff will go UTTERLY wrong…add to that a mixed bag of moods too …we will want to kiss people somedays and kick people in the neck the next. I don’t think this is a personality – it is just being human – especially being human in December.
As each day is filled with this cocktail of things, it is also dotted with what I am starting to call my mini-miracles of the day…my mini-miracles that before I would not have even noticed, but this month I am paying particular attention to.

Today went something like this:

Coffee – mini-miracle

Kids being nice to eachother – mini-miracle

Good socks in drawer washed – mini-miracle

Walk with friend – mini-miracle

Birds in hedgerow – mini-miracle

Twinkly Christmas Lights – mini-miracle

Made a sale – mini-miracle

Joke that make me laugh – mini-miracle

It doesn’t sound too revolutionary does it? In fact in the space of 12 hours this was probably about 60 mins all put together – but it was 8 times I told my brain “mini-miracle” and mini-miracle is a pretty great expression to surround my day with. It is a much better expression than all the other exclamations my mind says as I deal with daily nonsense and the more I play this game, the more mini-miracles I want to see. I start to see mini-miracles all over the place and I even want to give other people mini-miracles in their day even though they aren’t playing my game. SO I let that person in at the busy intersection, I pick up that dropped item at the store for the harassed mum, I smile nicely at the overworked / slightly rude cashier. Maybe I do have more control over this month than I thought I had. Even though it seems a lot of us are stuck in this high on crack version of the holidays that has developed over the last 30 years or so, we can mix it up ourselves – in the privacy of our own heads – and save some sanity for us all.

Wishing you a collection of mini-miracles in each day this month. This is the end of our year and it has been so lovely to step with you through 2018. If you are joining me on our 2019 I can’t wait to get started and will see you next year!

Happy Holidays and much sanity, I promise to ask Santa to bring us all some.

Cx

October - is all about the imperfections (but leaping anyway).



I put off
nothing,
I wait for
nothing
to be just so,
I jump in
as is,
where is,
enjoying
moments
as I go.



I don’t struggle with perfectionism in the same way that I know some people can. I don’t care (to a worrying degree I think for my husband) – if people see the house in a mess, or see me dressed a mess, or my kids in a mess. I don’t hold a high standard for myself in this regard, BUT I do have a standard of rigid perfectionisn in how a situation should look which holds me back at best and paralyzes me at worst. This month is an interesting shift for us because it is asking us to start fully engaging with the world, to really start a conversation again with living. Not just a toe test either, like we did with "Connected", but a full on leap. Are we ready for this? Deep breaths …let’s go…well in a minute…oh maybe tomorrow I will…oh no!

When we recoiled to our beds our world & our head became smaller and simpler because that was all we could manage. This was a must then for sure – a positive, to avoid falling further downwards, but what now? Now we can feel a shift in ourselves and that place we created is starting to feel more stifling than comforting, limiting than safe. Our head is feeling antsy again because we are ready to fly…but something is still holding us back.

What if we can’t cope?

What if we aren’t ready?

What if we repeat old patterns?

What if we fall hard?

This is scary …I wanna go back to bed!

Stepping out of our comfort zone can be terrifying – we have spent so long working on the comfort – how do we know when we’re really ready to leave the nest?

We don’t really – but that’s ok.

We don’t know what we want to do – but that’s ok too.

Nothing has to be concrete, nothing has to be planned just right, and nothing has to look exactly how we imagine it should. The sign is already there in our antsiness that we are ready to start – the secret is to take it slow, but still go.

What will that mean for you?

My leap is a creative one.
It is taking my work out in the world and letting it be there no matter how nervous I get or fraudulent I feel.
It is sending applications to places and allowing rejection.

It is...

..knowing that what I do is important and makes me happy.

It is allowing things that make me happy into my life.

It is the thrill of seeing people connect to my work.

It is knowing that not everyone will.

It is being ok when things work out.

It is being ok when they don't.

It is practicing hard on seeing the good.

It is shrugging my shoulders at the bad.

It is defining my success by the leap.

It is not focusing on the outcome.

It is choosing my own leaps.

It is not being told to jump.

It is being kind to myself when I get bruised.

It is not berating myself for trying.

It is picturing what I would say to a friend or a child.

It is saying the same to myself.

It is taking myself for tea and a cake when I need treat time.

Yeah...it is still that!

It is being my own encouragement.

It is not being a yelly taskmaster.

It is saying I’m going to try this.

It is not saying I must.

It is having a list of "love to's".

It is mixing these in with the "to do's".

It is leaping facing forward.

It is not sneaking a look to the side to see what others are doing.

It is realizing that everyone feels this way.

It is really ...EVERYONE!

It is knowing that I am rusty at this right now.

It is knowing it is going to get easier.

It is being aware when it is time for rest.

It is not calling myself a failure for taking it.

It is sometimes leaping, holding hands with friends and partners.

It is sometimes leaping alone.

It is sometimes landing with grace.

It is sometimes landing on my butt, with my skirt around my ears while wearing really gnarly underwear.

And sometimes, just sometimes it is no landing at all.

because sometimes, just sometimes it is leaping into flight.

That is what it is for me…but what is it for you?
What small, medium or big leap will you take today?
What one thing can you do today to bring you closer?
Imagine you didn’t have to have look a certain way, have a certain thing, be in that certain place…imagine you could just take a leap anyway and see where it took you.
Scary I know, but pretty exciting too.

Good luck deep breathers.

CX

September - is all about the Step


It is only ever
one step,
that is all
I need
to take.
When ready,
repeat...
It is only ever...


SO where do we want to go?
What paths do we want to choose for our life?
Overwhelmed? Me too!
I feel like a kid being forced to answer “what will you do when you grow up?”
I wouldn’t do that to you though – you know that.
Nope this is going to be about noticing those feelings of "yes this is me", and just taking one baby step towards more of that. And when that step has been done? Taking one little baby step more.

When I took myself out from under the covers I actually had a very clear idea of what I needed in my life and what I was missing. Are you that way too? I wonder if a lot of us know what we would love and where we would like to go – at least in a general sense – but get over-whelmed by the details of how.
We see people doing what appeals to us, but we compare our beginning to their middle. We feel we can’t possibly, it isn’t for us, who are we to dream and so back to the covers we go with our mis-placed presumptions.

So what if there was another way?
What if we just did one step that was in line with that dream, that need we all have deep inside us?
What if that was all we committed to do - one step? I mean, we could do that right?

Back story (as my son would say).
My need was creativity.
I remember, embarassingly clearly, the first day I decided that I had, had enough of bad feelings.
That to step towards one thing I loved and fail had to feel better than this rotting away feeling I had inside me.
The first step was not pretty! I’m not going to lie! I bought 3 tubes of paint and totally destroyed a piece of paper with splatters and smears of paint. You know when you hear how someone begins and it all becomes clear. That is not what happened. I had a big piece of paper with huge smears of ugly paint. NO matter how I looked at it – it was ugly. Then I went back at it again – with more ugly smearing, clotting paint – this time in an ugly crying frenzy. Guess what! I had just the same ugly, giant piece of paper, painted like a mad woman and a very ugly red, shamed face. This was my first step.
I didn’t feel much better at the end of it. I felt drained, but I knew that yes I had made some terrible art – but it was still a step of creativity. That was all it had to be. It was just a step – not a goal, not an achievement – all I set myself was a step and my step had been made.

The next day I took my second step. I cut up bits of fabric I had and stuck them all over my ugly paper. I was less frenzied, less judgemental of myself. It was crap, but it didn’t matter so much. It was the step that mattered not the result. I had taken 2 steps on my chosen path.

I did this again and again and again. Step, step, step. I added thread one day, cut it all up another day. Re-stuck it together again on another piece of paper. Step, step, step.

This is pretty much how I have continued on this journey for 4 years now. I know what I am committed to and each day I try to take a step in line with that. Now this is where that darn human nature part steps in. Even though I have carved out this path for myself, I still need CONSTANT reminders that I am doing ok, that I am doing better than before. So if I can be of any assistance please watch out for these human nature hiccups.

1. Steps can be any size. This has to be your mantra! Sometimes you will have the time and space to really develop on something, other times life will really like to interrupt. This is going to happen! NO point in fighting it. The key is to always know what your next step is and make it work to your life as it stands now.

2. Sometimes life will be amazing and you find you can run up 5 or 6 steps with ease and joy. Everything lines up just right. Other times it will feel like you have been on the same spot for a lifetime, looking at the same damn view. Just know you are still on the right path no matter the speed you are moving. Everything happens in ebbs and flows. If the step feels too big to climb – make it smaller and smaller so you at least sense some positive movement. If you can't even do that then mantra to yourself ebbs and flows, ebbs and flows.

3. Ha this one is the best one. Some days you are going to feel like you fell down the whole flight of your steps. I get some nights like this. In fact I had this feeling yesterday when after a week of flying up with ease I got too ahead of myself and bump down I go one, two, three. This is set back time. Be kind to yourself. Whatever happened you didn’t fall down the whole flight, you just stumbled on a couple. Hang onto the rails, rest and begin again when you are ready.

We are often told to never look back. I don’t agree. If you feel like you are really right back where you started, take a good look at where you started, it is amazing how far you have actually come.

Does this help at all? Does it feel manageable? I hope it does!
I have talked about creativity here only because that was my need, but it can be anything at all. Anything that you have had murmuring inside yourself, but been too scared to tell anyone. Or maybe it is the thing you find yourself saying you wish you had done, to friends – assuming the time has passed. The time hasn’t really passed for anything, I honestly think – you can set yourself one step for anything at all! Blimey!

I hope you enjoy the rest of your September CX

August - is all about the Funnies (and the not funnies)


Remembering
to pack my
appreciation
of the
ridiculous
and all the
things
that
make me
belly laugh.


Hello everyone - this was supposed to be my August 1st blog post and what date are we at now... 15th?
Summer is a busy time for the Noisy Boy family and it seems the only way I can stay sane is to put most "grown up" responsibilities to one side and succumb to the pull of summer rather than trying to juggle everything. This leads to mixed feelings of things being wonderful and then overwhelming as grown up life still moves on, piles up and catches up to me.

I have bills that are being paid late, a mountain of work for my husband piling up on my desk, housework being operated at the bare minimum and the sudden realization that I haven't cooked a dinner in 6 weeks. My blog post about humour has also fallen by the wayside, not because I wasn't thinking about it, but because I was finding it hard to find the right words about laughter when I was feeling so stretched with my time. I was out "enjoying" summer with the kids, but equally feeling overwhelming guilt and fear about how much real life stuff was getting missed because I simply can't juggle the two sides.

This guilt was leading to a black cloud coming over me about my inability to cope with things that other people seem to skip through so easily. Why am I finding the idea of shopping so overwhelming? Why can't I juggle working from home with the demands of the children? Why can't my brain successfully split itself into 20 different compartments to make for a successful "whole" life. I am simply just not built for that. I am not a multi-tasker. It makes me insane to be so bitty, but that is of course what life requires. So I pootle along...I live in an amazing place so our summers are easy with swims in all sorts of places, I hustle enough time to get the bulk of what "needs" to be done for my husband, my kids like grilled cheese at least better than they like shopping so they don't complain. I have a hubby who goes above and beyond when he is home to keep things running and so I stay sane enough, calm enough to be ok with a day, without letting the overwhelmed feelings take over completely. But then I try to write a post about laughter and lightening up and it feels wrong, too shallow, too disingenuous for me to complete - it isn't where I am at right now. I am ok, yes, I have my head above water of demands and am functioning pretty well - but I am not carefree, I am not throwing my hair back in laughter of all things - I am inwardly grimacing, striving, working to keep it all together - I don't want someone to now lecture me about finding time for laughter and lightness and I don't want to do it to you either.

That said HOWEVER - laughter may not be given out as a goal, but it is a wonderful surprise in my days. You know that real, gut, point finger, that is FUNNY feeling that happens every so often! My default as you can guess is serious, worried, fixing, anticipating of life and what it wants to throw - I have always been that way - it feels more now just because I have more responsibilities, but as a child I was a worry wart so there is no point in me trying to change her completely - she is me. She is also the reason I see pain in others, I recognize sadness and know when things aren't ok, I can be understanding of other peoples worries and anxieties - because I have them too. Sooo when laughter sweeps over me and over my worries of the moment - it really is a wonderful feeling. My sadness and worries have certainly not subsided this month and I guess that is what I was struggling with in writing this - how can sad, moody inside Caz write about funny and laughing? But that isn't what this needs to be. IT can be just that I have noticed the moments of my laughter more and enjoyed the reprieve they give me from the chatter of doom that spins in my head. I allowed myself to enjoy a silly movie, I watched a stand up comedienne who did an amazing skit on his gig for Mariah Carey's husband, I giggled with a friend about her dealings with her teenage daughter, guffawed as another friend GIF'd me people nodding (a long story) and I watched this video below that brought tears to my eyes with my morning coffee.

A video that will bring tears to your eyes with laughter

We can't all be carefree and ease to laugh people. We can't all aim to "make" that happen for us when it just isn't how we are wired. We can't feel guilty for sometimes looking at life on the negative side just because that is who we are. But we DO laugh at the things that make us laugh - we laugh hard and we hold on to those rare touches of humour in the world because they mean a lot to us, they are our little miracles in darker days, they suspend the worry for just those few minutes, they reassure us that it is ok really even for a short time. So I am holding onto Maevis and George (video above) and all the funny things that life crops up for us - because these moments are important when they come.

Oh and cheer up would ya! Ha!

July - is all about the Connection


I slow down
and look closely.
These colours,
this sky,
that moon,
those smiles.
In this
I find peace,
I find calm,
I find home.

This month of July we are venturing back into the world, but taking it thoughtful and slow. We are going to be thinking like a snail on our outside adventures.

To be so overwhelmed and beaten to our beds as we were, we must have lost our sense of us along the way. Lost our, who we are, what we like and what we are about. Our surroundings and thoughts were no longer in sync. with us. We had been squeezing ourselves too much into those damn should’s and what do they need, what are they doing? This sent us on a downward spiral; far away from ourselves and our trust of our place in the world.

When we are stuck in our beds the world seems dangerous, noisy, uncaring and cold. It doesn’t have to be this way though. The world still loves us, has a place for us and is waiting for us to come back. That is what we are starting again to do – as we bravely open our door.

This venture does not need to be rushed – in fact it can’t be rushed. We aren’t going to fill our time or senses with what we had before – we are anew, clean slated, we are a build to come.

When you open that door and step out, breathe in deep, then look around. Look around for the first time to really see. What do you see? Not judge, but see. Are you looking at stuff that annoys you? Oh bugger that fence is so rotten, why did the postman leave that there, who dug that huge hole in the yard….Dylan!!!
This is not the voice we want – this is not connection it is reaction – try again. Strain if you have to, see one thing that is pretty, one thing that is cool, one shape that’s interesting, one colour that sings. You honestly only need to spy one thing to start, this one thing is the beginning of your brain re-train. This is your start to where you want to go.

Ok so you saw a shape! Really look at that shape – take a minute to study that shape. I know, I know this is daft Caroline – I know it feels it. But you are doing some cool stuff I promise…remember the brain re-train.

SO maybe one thing is enough for you – you are done. I can’t connect to the world with a spiral. Well a-c-t-u-a-l-l-y you can. See you are going to see that spiral on the bus, in the ceiling pattern of a coffee shop, in the fences at your local track. That spiral is going to be having little chats with you along your way and sending out a hi. You may even have seen a colour you liked or a colour combination that sent you a thrill – hey guess what – that colour combination exists on that trail you thought you might like to walk, on the painted doors of those houses you walk by, in that hat you saw in that shop.

While you were looking and seeing that spiral, in that weird fence at the track, you happened to see the sky. You hadn’t noticed the clouds like that before – wow the light is really dark, but glowing today – really glowing on that hill there – that hill there – how long has that been there? I like the way it semi- cuts into the landscape.

Hang on what happened to that rotten old fence, that hole in the yard, that person who gets on your nerves? Well maybe they suddenly aren’t the only things in your world. Your world – right on your doorstep has actually become quite interesting. Simple, yes…but thrilling too. To know that little bursts of joy can be so easily grasped is a wonder in itself. The changes we are making aren’t drastic, but at the same time you will notice a shift in your mood, your choices, in the way you frame your day. This is your secret – this isn’t a fad diet you have to tell people about, a self help book you need to explain – this is just a private, knowing smile and friendly greet between you and your world.

As you connect with the world again – you’ll honestly begin to see it as a friend. It is on your side – it has a place for you. Each step you take to see what it is that appeals to you will send more messages that will spread into your day and your sense of place. This is where you begin again, but on simpler, manageable terms that will fit your own shape, your own values and dreams. Connecting in this way is going to start the positive change you have been seeking and it will start with one simple thing.

So here’s to July being full of our little shimmering snail trails. I wonder where it will take you?

June - is all about the strength


Strength

Is to own
who I am,
what I like,
what I did,
what I do and
what I don't want to.

Strength
is to own
both the
truth and the
dreams and
sit quietly
with these
without apology
or need
for validation.

I am mixing it up a little this month and would like to give a warm welcome to my guest blogger Dalyce from December Studio who I asked to share her thoughts on what it is to nurture strength.

“You are the sky. Everything else—it’s just the weather.” —Pena Chodron

Growing up, the world taught me that emotions are a sign of weakness and inherently shameful. In adulthood I’ve grown to understand that emotions are the language of the human trifecta—mind.body.spirit. Emotions are energetic guides, the messengers of navigating life, and they must be acknowledged, looked at, cared for and then let go of. If we ignore, repress or judge our feelings we hold the energy in limbo and it becomes poison for our whole selves. Strength and resilience comes from working with your emotions instead of against them.

Self care is a hot topic these days and is promoted as treating yourself to that sweet coffee drink or glass of wine or new outfit. I think this is definitely ok sometimes, but true, sustainable self-care is not about contriving a temporary sense of ease + feel good vibes. It’s about digging deep into what feels tricky in order to sustain a core of ease and live in the flow of high vibrations regularly.

In my art practice, my internal self doubt gremlins surface on the regular. At the beginning of my journey these little fiends were nasty. They caused me to want to give up every day. My love for creativity, however, drove me forward and through that dedication I began to look my nasty gremlins in the eye and ask what they were trying to show me. They were just the relics of past conditioning wanting to be brought to light. When they’d show up I would counterbalance them with words of encouragement and love until eventually they weakened and shrunk. I began a system of emotional self care.

Very recently I started a focused meditation practice whereby I talk kindly to my body, my heart, by mind and my soul. I thank each of them for what they’ve given me to get through this life. I also visualize my family and envision sending them clear blue light energy to surround and support them. I send them gratitude for the love and support they show to me and others in life. It’s my form of prayer and has proven to be a very helpful way to soften my emotional responses toward myself and my loved ones during the hard times of life. By starting everyday in gratitude for these gifts, my well for grace grows deeper and fuller and my ability to navigate through difficult emotions gets stronger.

By embracing our emotions, owning our quirks, accepting what we love for what it is, allowing mistakes and creating healthy boundaries—we build emotional strength and resilience. Gratitude for what life brings forward guides us into courage, confidence, and personal power. It also allows us to accept others more easily which diminishes judgement and fear-based thinking—and, side benefit, helps us accept ourselves more fully too.
Emotions are not the enemy, but the key to understanding who we are, what we want and how we intend to live our lives. They are like the weather: changing, growing,building, diminishing. They come, they go and they help us to grow.

What ways do you build emotional strength and resilience?

May - is all about the acceptance


Acceptance

Neither
reaching
for the moon,
nor bound to
the ground.
Happy is
when I
can float
amongst
the stars.


This picture popped into my head one day as a speedy moment of clarity.
You know those!
When everything makes sense for a brief second and then everything feels clumsy and confusing again.
I made the picture to remind myself of that clear moment as it held the key to my experience of happiness.
One of the things I struggle with is change and expectations.
I can ruin an experience because it isn’t what I thought it would be or what I had originally planned.
That can make for an interesting time because life is completely haphazard and entirely built on change.
My teacher in this has been my noisy boy, who also struggles with these.
We talk a lot about transitions (that is the moment between one thing and another thing – yep it’s a thing)
and we talk a lot about expectations and how something might be going sideways because of unknown territory and / or differences in what we thought would happen. My son and I seem to feel more comfortable with a perceived feeling of control in situations, but we are learning how to negotiate our way through this by giving up the reins sometimes. Just as my little girl is teaching me piano, my boy is my lesson in feelings.

When I think back on moments that I haven’t ruined with my sulky face. Times when I have in fact let loose, chilled out, or even (dare I say it), “gone with the flow” – it feels AMAZING! I know I have it in me – I just forget to switch it on and that is my homework for May.

If this sounds in anyway familiar to you I have been playing a game with myself for the last couple of weeks called the Acceptance game. Before I explain I should note that this is not a lesson for passivity. IT isn’t about accepting status quo when status quo is truly affecting you negatively. This is more about times when you are getting in your own way of enjoyment, contentment and just plain chilling to make for a happier day. Ok back to the game. SO here are some prime examples of me.

1. I am getting completely wound up by some random person in life for some perceived thing they have done. Game on. I accept I am getting wound up right now, but I choose not to let this ruin this day.

2. The kids are hyper, I have to cook dinner and there are 6 things spinning through my head about stuff I have to do and I am going to loose my mind. Game on. I accept that all I have to do right now is cook dinner. I choose to not think of these other things I need to do right now.

3. Malaise of mood about weight, work, messiness or my general crappiness at something. I accept I feel crappy right now about (put in issue of the moment) but I choose to do something that makes me uncrappy (like make a picture, drink a tea, take a breath, take a walk, get that washing up finished).

4. Decisions. I am terrible at making decisions especially about things that I don’t really want to think about, but have to in grown up land. Once I make a decision about how I might handle a tricky situation, a business choice or a personal matter, whatever it is I will still churn it over in my mind. If it was a situation I was feeling particularly prickly about then on and on in my head it will go even though I have decided what I am going to do and already taken action. Game on. I accept that I have made my decision and I stand by that decision. I chose now to lay this situation to rest and move on.

It sounds very basic I know, but little, by little something started to shift in me. That heavy weight that joins my ears to my shoulders did actually start to lift. All I was really doing was being a kind person to myself to stop the spiraling, but because I wasn’t spending so much of my day in a spiral I was less tired, less hurt and less burdened. I wasn’t striving to change things, to “fix” these perceived problems, nor was I letting myself be dragged down by them, all I was doing was saying “oh yeah there you are and moving on”.

This is early days of course. Last week the sun was shining, a warm spring had arrived and my mood was lighter. Today a rainy day seems to have taken its toll on me and I can feel the stress rise again bit, by bit. If I can keep up my awareness though, keep up the training of these acceptance muscles of mine, I can still build a resiliency and learn not to freak out so much at change and sudden circumstance. Learn to hang back a bit rather than kick into reactive mode. Become a little more wait and see, rather than fluster and fear of fate. For my noisy boy I can do this so that more and more we will both be just chilling in the stars.

Good luck my friends with your trials of acceptance this month of May. What are the triggers that make you get the board out for your acceptance game?

April - is all about the support


Photo Credit: Devon Gillott Sessions

I close
my eyes
and there
I see,
a patchwork
of the
people who
blanket
me.


One of the things that can happen when we take to our beds is an overwhelming feeling of loneliness. Whether we have isolated ourselves too much or even if we are surrounded by people all the time, we can still feel alone in this. This is the month, when we turn our thoughts to the positive people who are in our life, have been in our lives and those passing miracle, people who pop up out of the blue at just the right time. This is our time to focus on the people who are there for us and have been there for us, to help us see that net of support that is still there; we have just forgotten how to feel it.

I would like us to try a little exercise together. We are going to make a paper quilt. First take a piece of paper and divide it up into squares – just like the cloth pieces of a quilt. The first thing we are going to do is to draw ourselves in one of the squares near the centre. This can have your name, a stick figure, a shape, a swirl – anything that helps you make the mental note of "there I am". Next I want you to start filling the squares around you with anyone that is close to you right now who is a bright spark in your week – a partner, a family member, a friend. Think outside the box too; a kind mum during drop off, a co-worker who makes you laugh, a friendly coffee server or a helpful neighbor. Just keep filling those squares with anyone who comes to mind who has brightened your every day, or your week or your recent months.

Once you have exhausted those squares you are going to move outward and add all those people who you no longer live close to, but who would support you in a heartbeat. Family who live far away, childhood friends, college friends, old work colleagues. Who have you collected in your experiences along the way that have helped to shape your today? Who could you connect with immediately and with ease if you lived closer? Keep on filling those squares.

The next squares are for those people in your life who have been your guardian angels at random stages. I really enjoy remembering these people and once you start you will be amazed at how many angels you have met along the way. They deserve a square in your support network for what they did for you, but they also serve as a reminder that people will pop up in your life over and over to help you at times of need. It has happened before and it will happen again. I have special teachers, a manager of one of my first jobs, people when I travelled who all went above and beyond to help me at different times of my life. Who took a kind interest in me when I needed the guidance and support. These are people who I won’t ever see again, but who made their own special mark on and in me.

This next one is hard, but important. I would like us to fill up more squares that honour and remember the people in our lives we have loved and lost. These people still live inside us and their support when they were here is strongly imbedded, even though it hurts to be reminded. These are the special people in our lives who still play a very important part in this amazing paper fabric that is unfolding.

So lastly, as you look at all these people who have made you, held you by the hand, made you laugh, made you tea and done all the great things that they have done, I want you to also look at some empty squares. These squares are there to symbolise our faith that people do always come to help, support, befriend and love us. We need to make room for our special people of the future.

I hope after this little paper exercise you are feeling a little amazed at who is really in your life!
We may feel by ourselves, but we are far from alone.
We are in fact part of a much bigger picture, that is sewn together with strong threads of support and comfort.
This is our network, these are our people and stitched together they are always there to keep us warm when we need.
Wrap up this month.

Happy April.

March - Is all about the fear...


I listen
calmly
to what
you say.
Then
thank you
kindly
and send
you on
your way.

Ahhh what a dance I can do to avoid this little word FEAR. Today I am away with the family for their ski time. We are staying in a nice hotel room where I have easy access to everything I need (food and drinkies). It is blizzard like outside so I have no desire to go out and there are zero distractions around me. Just me, my keyboard and a piece of paper that has the word FEAR in foreboding capitals. Today is the last day before I am to post this piece, and the resistance is crazy. Never have I left a post until this late in the day, but always have I denied, ignored or run away from FEAR. Before I could possibly sit to write this I have done the dishes, drunk 4 cups of coffee, eaten 8 pieces of chocolate and wondered aloud how early too early is for wine...oh hang on let’s do a Facebook post. Does any of this sound familiar?

Me leaving this post to the last day is completely understandable because, let’s face it, FEAR is sucky. FEAR is a little monster inside me that grows and grows until it sends me to my bed, hiding under the covers. I get so tired from avoiding it, denying it or semi feeling it and shutting it down before it can derail me. FEAR is the monotonous durge of worries and anxieties throughout my daily doings. It is the background murmurs of “are you sure?” and the “what if something terrible happens?” FEAR is sudden tensing as my shoulders meet my ears, yet my brain hasn’t even processed why. FEAR is the small drains and the 3am tsunami that turn into Netflix binges as I drown out the biggies of “you will be alone, you do not matter, you are a sucky person.” Phew ...I know right!

Ignored FEARS get very demanding you know! My escaping and denial coping mechanisms over the years have never worked and the older I get the more energy they take. Then one day, I hit my mid forties and suddenly heard this exasperated voice cry out “seriously Caz..this again? This again??.”

Who the hell was this person...(spoiler alert it was me) ...and doesn’t she make a good point! I am getting too old to let life slip by in a constant tremor. I have too much good stuff going on around me to be distracted all the time by these intense, and icky feelings. ”No!” Wise, weird woman I say “NOT this again, not this again!”

I would now like to introduce you to my word for the year, RESILIENCY. Wrestling with my “what the hell am I going to do with this?” I spied a 4 session class at a local yoga studio called Building Resiliency. Here we adopt a simple yoga and mindful practise of listening to our bodies, our breath and simply “noticing”...not reacting...noticing. Resiliency suddenly became a word of calm strength that helped me to understand fear in a different way.

Resiliency is the friend to fear. Fear is fear not FEAR ..if that makes sense? I was first going to say that resiliency is the armour for fear, but that isn’t right. Fear and resiliency are in a working relationship, not a war with each other. They work together in friendship and support, we need both to be whole. It isn’t so much that fear is my problem, it is that I need to exercise my resiliency to go hand in hand. Then fear won’t freak out so much. Instead of nurturing my fear with quiet and calm attention, I was avoiding and ignoring it, leaving it to grow wild. The moment I can turn this around, my fears should be able to regulate themselves better in the knowledge that l’ve got this.

In it’s own nutty way, my fear is trying to protect me. It is my handy check list, my ”are you sure?” reminder and when it hears me reply “yep, i’ve got this” then it can rest and let the day unfold. My work this month is to build my resiliency, my ‘i’ve got this”, rather than focusing on the fear side. By building on resiliency with a calm, connected strength, I can let these fears rest.


No more can I talk about fear without talking about resiliency.



Thank you for taking the time to read this...I know it is a big one this month and it was a lot to grapple with for me. I wonder what building resiliency looks like for you? What steps could you take to find peace with your fears? We aren’t building walls against our fear anymore...we are reaching out, telling it we understand and “we’ve got this.”