February - is all about the bum wiggles.

This picture was inspired 

by the eye rolling of my children 

when a great song comes on the radio.

I feel good,

I sing out the lyrics,

 I get a little dance going.  

I feel great.

The kids stare at me,

shake their heads.

“Stop it Mum.”

Purely mortified.

“I thought I was going to be a cool mum.” 

I once mused.

“Why would you have thought that?” 

son responded.

Honestly, I have no idea.

I don’t know how I got like this somedays.

Changes in my body

 I look with a scientific fascination.  

What is this now – my brain questions –

 noticing another alien change in my flesh.

Not just outward changes either.

My brain, my thoughts 

so “fuddy, duddy.”

When did this happen too?

That music is too loud.

What is that person wearing?

I don’t think that’s a good idea.

I can’t do that.

Once I said to my husband.

“you know how it is with me driving.”

No – I don’t know, how is it Caroline? 

What does that even mean?

What it means is,

I have been living narrowly.

It means I am scared about change, about doing different.

It means I am too stuck in my ways,

arguing with the natural changes of the world.

It means I am getting old.

Older in my spirit,

But forgetting wiser.

How is this linked to the kid’s mortification at my dancing, my singing?

What child isn’t embarrassed by their mum?

I think it’s that I do try.

I try to do a wiggle in life.

But life has got harder somewhere.

Responsibilities have got heavier.

Things more complicated.

SO when I try to give a little, life boogey,

it gets thwarted quickly.

Inside my head.

And out in the world.

The good thing with this.

Is that it wasn’t sitting right.

I was getting fuddy, duddy,

but I wasn’t happy with it.

This means there is hope.

I had too much caring 

what people thought.

Taking responsibilities on,

as meaning I had to be a certain way.

That certain way isn’t me.

So I am building myself back up again.

My children are getting older, which helps.

I am caring less about what people think…

Although it isn’t even other people,

it is me judging me.

People are usually really supportive.

It is the us – who are getting in our way.

We just need to figure out what we want and do it.

People like that.

People are inspired by that.

So wiggle I will.

Sing my heart out, 

when Pulp comes on the radio.

Sorry kids – I’ll still be there for you – 

Just give me these 10 minutes!

Hope you enjoy your bottom boogey this month.

CX

January - is all about the letting go just like Elsa wanted us to

This morning,

This typical, weekday morning.

Was a magical one.

This month is about the letting go,

the finding of your fun side.

So, I thought this was the perfect morning, 

for me to sit and write to you.

This morning I swam.

I swam in the sea.

The sun rising up 

behind the hills.

Blue sky is coming.

Soft clouds float low.

The water is cool.

Probably 8 degrees.

The outside is cool.

About 1 degree.

I submerge.

I swim.

An eagle flies over-head.

I watch the sun rise as

the blue of the day arrives.

I can feel my body.

I’m not in my head.

I’m alive.

I keep breathing, deeply.

It stops the cold, shock, panic.

It brings calm to the crazy scene.

I am smiling.

I am beaming.

I am laughing.

Here she is.

Here’s that girl.

I hoped she was there.

I set her free, slowly.

There’s no need for rush.

What things have or can you find for yourself?

That help you let go 

And find that fun side again?

CX

Intro to 2021 - is all about the cozy starts

First blog post of the year.

The big intro to 2021.

The setting out of goals, hopes, dreams.

Maybe that’s not what 2021 is.

This is my first blog post of the year.

Re-written 4 times already.

Two abandoned.

The other two forced, 

stuffed into a finish.

Nothing flowing.

Nothing rings true.

Nothing is clear.

SO honestly.

Here I sit.

Foggy in the head.

Tired in my bones.

Cat lying beside me.

Propane fireplace on.

Had some soup.

Podcast playing.

Cloudy day.

Rainy day.

I’m warm.

I’m full.

I’m entertained.

I’m here.

No witty words.

No insightful meaning.

Just here.

Waiting,

knowing…

The inspiration will come.

Are you sitting too?

A little foggy in the brain?

A little tired in your bones.

Not sure how to feel.

Not sure what to wish.

Are you sitting with some cozy,

like me?

Reminding yourself too,

that inspiration will come.

It always does.

We won’t force it.

It’s ok to sit 

and be in that cozy 

that foggy,

that tired.

Just for now.

CX

December - Scarves and reflections

Hello there.

It’s December 2020.

What a long day 2020 has been.

Cozy scarves could well be our saving accessory.

A nice scarf to add a bit of colour, keep your neck warm, hide the screams and absorb the tears of fear, sadness and impending doom.

Ahhh scarves!

Dark wit aside – this is actually a good time to reflect on where we are at.

No, no stay with me.

If you were to sit and look at how far you have actually come, what you have learned for your own benefit, what your mindset is compared to the you this time last year what would you write?

I coach clients on their creative plans and many have commented when we look back how surprised they are at what they have actually achieved.

The projects they forgot about – the forgotten goal (gawd bless covid-brain), that was achieved, despite all that was going on. Even the clarity that has entered their practice.

Some have actually learned more about what they do want and where they want to go – that probably wouldn’t have happened without the big life interruption.

I’m not saying its unicorns and rainbows I promise.

But there is some good in there – I know there is.

Do we dare to dream for next year?

We have to surely – if we don’t dream – then what are we really left with?

Do we need to hold the dreams so rigidly though – do we need to hail them as the only definition of our success. 

No, we have definitely learned that one this year. We have learned flexibility of thought, of perceived desires – but we equally know the ones that still burn strong – that in some way we do still want to connect to, however it may look.

Those are the dreams that have been tested this year, for them to still resonate today shows us very clearly – that they are our fire, they are our insides, they are our true us. These are the ones we want to create some space for.

Please enjoy this reflective exercise one evening – this test of where we are at and what we would like.  It isn’t there to make you feel bad – it is there to show you how strong you are, how you are still moving forward (even though it may be so slow you can’t tell).  You’ve still got this, I know you have – and knitted scarves are there for the wobbles!

Hugs – honestly, truly – big hugs to you all who have followed along with my stuff this year. 

It has meant the world to me.

I kid you not.

CX

November - one day I'll write a story

One day I’ll write a story.

It would have to start with loss.

It feels like that is where my story started.

A story of having joy.

But not being able to access it.

Having lovely in your life.

While still feeling pain.

But the pain isn’t drama.

It isn’t yelling.

It isn’t sobbing.

It isn’t reacting.

It is just woven into your everyday.

It comes everywhere with you.

Then sometimes,

Just sometimes

It doesn’t show up

and you remember,

you remember how to feel

joy and love and gratitude

all at once

and you think you are fixed

you think you have finally moved on

but the next day

it’s back

and sits there with you

alongside everything.

Then you realize

that this isn’t your shadow,

your ruiner

it isn’t even an event,

another person,

it is you

another side of you

you finally reconcile

put your arm around

and say

“shall we go?”

and you get up

and you go

together

as one

as YOU

all you.

October - goodbye to Dylan.

Oh guys!

My brain is mush.

Two weeks ago Dylan Dog passed away.

It’s been hard to bounce back.

She was everywhere here.

And into EVERYTHING.

When I was in the washroom,

(doing what one considers private stuff),

she would push open the door with her nose

to see where on earth I was

and what on earth I was doing.

Then out she would go,

leaving the door wide open for all to see.

It never entered my mind to lock the door.

How would she then get in? 

We brought our pup home over 14 years ago.

We chose her because she wasn’t the bitey one (we called him bitey) 

or the crazy one…we called him…? 

Well we didn’t really have a name for crazy.

7 days after bringing her home

she became bitey.

Ok and a little bit crazy!

She was my first baby.

I had big expectations.

Once I called Jason, who was busy at work, in tears 

because she wasn’t walking nicely 

like I felt she should.

I laugh when I think of me then.  

That girl, with her expectations of things.

Dylan was my first teacher, 

the kids picked up from there.

Dylan was AMAZING at puppy training.

Even though I do say so myself,

we were top of the class.

People would whisper “what a good puppy”.

I pretended not to hear – but I heard.

Then I had a baby.

This interrupted our walking schedule a little.

My pup wasn’t quite such the easy girl on walks.

She loved people …a little toooo much.

She hated other dogs ….a little toooo much too.

Still we made it work.

I am an expert at crossing the road.

Dylan liked to dig holes in the yard.

Jason nearly broke his foot, 

tripping on said Dylan hole’s.

We did fill them.

But as I said she liked to dig.

Yes, Dylan was a girl.

I know, I know – but we liked the name.

 We would say it was Dylanna – which meant born from the waves

(I really should double check that one day).

Her name was only really Dylanna when she was naughty.

Like pulling a whole roast chicken off the kitchen counter, 

stealing our friends camera and 

sneaking onto our bed when we weren’t home.

You should have seen the smile on her face though,

she could beam so hard.

For she had done something very clever indeed.

Dylan had a sweet spot.

Right at the top of her chest.

If you rubbed there you had a friend for life.

Well at least until you stopped.

You could throw a ball for her.

I mean she would never bring it back.

But she would chase it if you threw it.

It seemed to make you happy.

What you were expecting after that was all in your head,

as far as she could tell.

Dylan was a great swimmer.

She hated it, probably the husky and shepherd part for the hatred.

The lab part made her good.

If you swam out too far she would save you.

What do you mean you don’t want saving?

I am here to save you – now swim back to shore please!

Round and round me she would swim.

Follow me mum – shore is here.

SHORE IS HERE.

I would have to give up after a while.

Ok Dill – I’m coming.

Dylan, Dill..Dill, Dill Pickle, Sweet Girl.

All the names.

Sometimes;

Not now Dylan.

Or 

You want out again Dylan?

Good girl Dylan.

Good girl.

Those were my last words to her.

I didn’t know those were her last moments with us.

You ok, girl?

That’s it girl…sh…sh…mumma’s here.

You’re a good girl.

On the floor at the end of our bed.

She took her last breaths.

I was in the office.

I couldn’t sleep.

I should have known

…but I thought I had more time.

She was such an old girl.

You can’t ride her!

I would tell the kids…

she’s an 88 year old woman.

She still runs with me though Mum, Poppy would say.

And blow me if she always would.

She would always run alongside,

even a few weeks before the end.

That’s where I picture you now Old Girl.

Running off leash, digging your holes, eating all the roast chicken off the kitchen counter with the biggest smile on your face.

You’re a good girl Dylan.

Off you go!

CX

September is all about the ideas - the really, really big ones.

How do you know when you have struck gold on an idea?

How do you recognize that moment in you exactly?

That moment when all the foggy and the tricky ideas have suddenly become something big, something important, something with true meaning for you?

For me? 

I weirdly burst into tears.

It isn’t so much an Oprah aha.

It is more of a “oh god!” 

A total body / brain overwhelm.

Even a rush of dread.

Weird hey.

But when I react in this way – I know – Oh gawd this is one of those.

This is one of those things that mean a lot.

(I guess that is where the dread comes). 

A part of me already, instinctively knows that if it means this much it is going to put me in a very vulnerable place.

And inside body Caz doesn’t like that. 

Inside body Caz thinks she’s got enough going on – without feeling like she has to put herself on the line.

Under the radar Caz…stay under the radar.

But thinky Caz kind of hates under the radar. 

She gets bored.

She gets itchy.

 She gets a need to do more.

IT can be quite the sibling argument to witness.

It can be quite tedious too at this stage in my life.

But at least there is a little wisdom.

 A little more wisdom, that knows what’s going on.

 Knows that I am going to have to step up a bit.

 Follow through.

But it doesn’t need to be this big overwhelm.

 It doesn’t need to be some BIG PLAN.

 It can always be a small start.

A small step.

A try.

A see.

It can be done in my own way.

At my own pace.

And that helps the sibling squabble to calm down.

To listen instead of raging.

And Caz?

Well she gets to dip her toe into that idea she struck.

And go further into this adventure of creative doing.

How do you react – when you strike gold?

August - is all about the space for clarity

Howdy August.

This is an interesting August for me as I have NOTHING planned or booked for the whole month and I am sitting on my hands so I don’t fill the space too quickly (which I have a tendency to do).

We are just back from our annual camping trip and it was eye opening to see how happy and easier going my family was. The children were HELPFUL and content to chat and play with each other far more than they ever have (last year was hell for “co-operation”). I was also happy to go on all the traditional trips my husband likes to do at the lake (trail walking day, cliff jumping day, canoe to the neighboring lake day ) when usually I am grumbling about own space, own time and generally snarly and exhausted. NONE of that this year – I was happy to come and didn’t feel the need to collapse in the tent and wish everyone would leave me alone.

I am not EXHAUSTED.

I am not worn out with all the usual “summer fun”.

Social activities have been at an all time low – and I think my family is the better for it.

Not my husband sadly – he has been working really hard and I can see the strain on him and his slightly broken body and mood – for that I feel very guilty. However when the children and the wife are in better moods at least he is saved from us!

Now how has some Storie calm helped me creatively?

Well my output is still small – I have yet to finish a picture – but I am gaining some clarity on where I might be heading.

Having a less cluttered, tired brain has given space for some clear cutting of what I am doing and what works best.

Last year I could get as far as telling you I was happy to be your cuppa tea during the chaos of the day.

I am still happy with that thought, but I can put more words to it.

I am your encourager to find your version of a “cuppa tea” in your day.

I am here to tell you, you can do this when your ego keeps saying no.

I am putting out pictures and words that hopefully let you know there is a calm out there if you are feeling lost and getting swept in the negative swirl of now.

I want to support anyone that is trying to connect to that need inside them that the lack of has been causing some of the sadder coping skills we have (believe me I have them!)

My mind has been drifting back recently to a Vancouver Island Parent Conference I went to a couple of years ago.  I had signed up for a “creative thinking within the curriculum” workshop.  

I was so excited to learn where we were heading with encouraging creative thought for students and more personally for my son who has a brilliant mind and is not finding a way at school to tap into that. 

The “ice breaking” question was what is the role of school for our students?

There were lots of terms thrown out from the room:

Critical thought

Social conscience

Core competencies

“helping children connect to the things they love to do” – I called out all inspired.

SILENCE

Total room air vacuum.

Pencil shifting sounds.

After a free energy of scribbling on the whiteboard from the facilitator a hovering – “hmmmmm” he says – he doesn’t REMOTELY want to put it on the list.

I am crushed.

I am soooo embarrassed.

We’re not there Caz.

It isn’t “that” kind of creative thinking.

The workshop continues on about what big corporations are looking for from candidates. 

We’re still chasing that one? I think.

I am hot and flushed – I think it is from a mixture of sadness, shame and anger.  I am really angry – because I see how unchanged our so-called call for creative thought is.  It isn’t creative – it is specific thought they want. If possible all ways of brain thinking combined into one person.  We are asking for the near impossible and what is going to happen to all those poor souls who aren’t these rare breeds?

How are they going to feel connected in the rocky waves of future?

How are they going to build their self-esteem and confidence in just what they are good at?

How can those who don’t yet know, tap into the amazing adventure of finding what they are talented in if they are chasing this rather ridiculous bar we are now setting for students?

We kind of know what happens.

Most of us are doing it ourselves.

That is really what negative coping strategies are all about.

If someone had shown me some of the things that I have found painfully and slowly for myself in these recent years as I have made this my focus, could I have had more years feeling better, feeling more worthy, feeling more anchored?

I am of course the privileged one – the lucky one for sure.

I had the time to pursue.

I had the ability to travel, which lead to my questioning things more of what is important to me. Travelling took me out of my “alright” comfort spot.

I have huge support from my husband.

I have some financial means to take this time.

What of people that don’t have this?

What if we could spend some time in education whispering – wow I love what you’re doing here.  What if we had the time to see the inner dreams and sparks and joys of each child? A lot of what we pursue as joy as an adult, definitely planted it’s seed in our childhood pursuits.  You only have to scrape the surface a little to find it somewhere there, somewhere in a slightly different form.  

There are sooo many talented teachers I know, who often spot that special gift, or encourage through the work of ways gone well, but what if children were given small courses on this tapping, this following your gut idea …what could that bring to the feeling of autonomy to a person?

Would that make an interesting future?

Would that make any social improvements for people, for our communities?

I don’t honestly know – of course I don’t.

But I am enjoying wondering and questioning and hearing from others what they might think.

Because something we all know – is this system isn’t really working.

There are too many lost people in the world.

What if they felt anchored?

How would that look for them?

How would it look for you if you felt lost too?

I know it sounds lofty.

I am sounding naïve – like I did in that room at the creative thinking workshop.

There are reasons Caroline, there are courses in place, there is reality, there is own way, own decisions.

There are for sure.

Yet it keeps coming back to me.

Saying that we could encourage each child to tap into what they love to do was the WORST thing I could have said in a room discussing education.

And that still makes me sad 2 years on.

If you are wondering yourself what you can do?

If you have a nagging inside you that something is missing, something inside you has been untapped or a specific desire that still flares up even as you have grown older and more content with things.  Isn’t that worth pursuing now? A start is a start…and can bring more that you can ever intellectualize without just starting, questioning, musing what you could do.

That is what I have been drawing closer to with the space that has opened up in my calendar. I want to be that naïve, why not voice who holds out a cuppa tea for you and whispers… “I love what you’re doing here.”  Just really because I think it matters…I think it matters for any age.

CX

One on one natters - make us happy

Hello July!

Hello Readers.

Hmmm ok, hello Reader.

I recently saw a lovely comment on instagram from someone who said nice things about me and then wrote “particularly her blog.”

Ummm what was that?

Someone read my blog?

I honestly don’t know if people do or don’t read this, but I so enjoy writing it and I write it to help me understand my stuff. If doing this connects with other people – then that is just amazing. Usually though it is me re-reading things and thinking man – I should totally do that – when I fall off the rails somewhere or other.

So hearing someone new read my blog I thought I better look back and see what was there. So hop over here I did and wow – that was some last few months to be thrown into.  Bless the reader for sludging her way through this years writing with me because it has been a bit sad and a bit dark – as it seemed to need to be, while I worked through some of my hidden shadows.  

I didn’t really know what I meant exactly when I said I had to go “to the dark” – I just knew it was pulling me very strongly and seemed impossible to ignore it any longer – the whole chaos around me outside in the world – left me with no place to hide.

I was scared too.  Really, really scared because I worried, I wouldn’t be able to make my way back – I was worried the shadows would engulf me too much – as it had felt they had been trying to.  I had been avoiding them so much that it felt like numb was better than the alternative.  Then numb didn’t feel better anymore – numb was hurting me more than the sad – and the sad was there anyway in the background – so I just succumbed as best I could while still managing the semblance of life stuff that was necessary for my day to day.

Fatigue has been the biggest thing – then anger – rage – oh and tears, lots of those, lots of snotty sobs.

The difference for me now – than when I have tried this before - is having my pictures, my doodles, my writing.  It is the reason I go on and on about the creative process and having this little bit of magic in my life.

As I scrunched myself up in my studio, I found a page in my sketchbook – I closed my eyes and this woman appeared – really fuzzy, but she came.  She had long hair, a big calm smile, and arms outstretching towards me – she is flying and kneeling – I am not even sure that is possible – what with me still being ground bound, but hey it seems like a pretty cool position to ride the skies with.  She’s reaching to me – and do you know what she said?  

She said, I am Wisdom.  

Darn it if telling you this isn’t making light tears come again.  

Good tears though – emotional, but ok – you know those ones?

SO I drew her with a pencil in my simple, kid like way. 

I wrote wisdom under her arm.

Hello wisdom I whispered and with that whisper guess what other words came pouring out.

Heard, understood, knowing, aware, nurtured, grounding, protection and loved.

Wow hey!

I had to back track at that point – over the words above I wrote “Comes”.

Then I backed it up and on the page opposite I wrote “From”

Then I listed without too much thought:

Lost, alone, neglected, sad, missing, hurt. 

These were my top 6 it seemed.

I sat back in my chair and studied this page.

I let it sink in.

It hadn’t engulfed or drowned me like I thought it would.

It had guided me.

I scribbled a note to myself:

“It’s ok to look at these negative feelings – you aren’t losing yourself – you are just turning your eye to look at the shadows that lurk inside, so you know what you need.”

I am lucky.

I have a practice that supports me in this emotional roller coaster.

I have my pictures and now I have a clearer idea of where my work can be heading towards again.

I can head towards feelings of being:

Heard, seen, understood, known, aware, nurtured, grounded, protected and loved.

I do this for me.

And if this ever connects with someone else – then that is always AMAZING.

CX

June - is all about that uncomfortable inner roar.

I have been having a creative fuzz recently.

That icky, uncomfortable feeling seemed to be coming back..

That dissatisfied, uncertain, gnawing inside.

What?

I ask.

What is it?

Actually that’s a lie.

That is NOT what I did.

I was more…

I can’t deal with this now.

Can’t you see we are in the middle of a pandemic?

Do you have to start up again now?

Inner gnawing didn’t like that.

Didn’t much appreciate;

my sugar offerings,

my gin top ups,

my late night TV binge watches (Little Fires everywhere - I thank you),

my incessant creative podcast playing,

or my late afternoon napping.

“I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR YOU RIGHT NOW”

I shout, hiss - like a cranky, tired mum at her wits end.

OK then,

It answers.

Have it your way,

It thinks.

CRASH

I am unable to do anything.

Any concrete thoughts I have in the morning - dissolve - totally disintegrating by the afternoon.

The inner critic pops up with a huge smile on her face.

Yippee she says - I have been soooo bored in there.

I’m coming too says large depressing cloud.

Don’t forget me calls out “utter hatred of everything and everyone” - you know you need me too.

At once - they all look at each other?

We’re gonna do this to her - together?

Pause.

Ha ha - yep!

She should know better for gawd sake.

Let’s get her.

She’s mine, no she’s mine.

…come they did.

They were right though - I do know better.

They came and after a while I remembered,

OH … you really do need my attention.

I knew already what my “thing” needed.

What it was asking of me.

It has been guiding me a while now.

Further and further it has taken me to this place

inside that I have buried away.

I have danced with it, and my inner “thing” has let me do this.

Given me the space - but says now it’s time.

It is time to go to that darker space.

Time to find, uncover

and hopefully release these sadder feelings.

The dark has lurked too long.

Shaped too much of how I experience my now.

IT is time to make some darker pictures.

Pictures of loss,

of loneliness,

of isolation.

I hope you still come on the journey with me.

I totally understand if you don’t want to.

I have to do this to be honest.

I have to do this to see the whole.

To not look at this side of me

Is to ignore too much of me.

My hope though is that by doing this

more of the other sides of me get to come out.

Get the space and freedom they need too.

I’m ok.

Honestly - I’m totally ok!

Letting it out is better than what has been happening.

I worry of course -

Taking what feels like a very vulnerable course -

In a way though it is all the same.

It is me

Feeling stuff

and turning them into pictures and words.

I don’t know if you have been feeling that uncomfortable roar inside of you lately too?

What untouched project is it asking you to begin?

CX

This one is all about getting out your way and getting on with it.

“What do you call that thing you do?”

I remember this question word for word.

It came innocently,

but from someone who isn’t,

my audience.

my gang,

my people.

But do I tell myself that?

Of course not.

Off I go down that well trodden road 

(the one with the long winded name) 

Doubt, Defeat, floored self-esteem, attach to negativity, self sabotage Lane.

Have you found yourself on that Lane?

I’ll wave and say hi if I see you, 

as we cross each other’s path. 

Whether I’m on my way home again 

or striding off down,

Hello Suzy!

Hi Caz!

Off down the Lane again?

Yep thought I would, 

be back in 6 months.

Ok see you then.

Ughhh.

Isn’t life just a little too short 

for these constant de-railments?

Isn’t life just a little too tumultuous

to keep hopping away from the thing, 

that very thing,

that makes us happy?

DO we have to keep doing this 

Over and over again.

Sometimes we wrap it up in pretty bows.

Overthinking, 

Over perfection, 

Over complicating.  

I see it so clearly in my friends 

then do exactly the same myself.  

My packaging needs a whole re-do – 

it’s too scrappy. 

I need to re-think this series  - 

it just doesn’t say enough.

I should try new techniques – this is too basic, 

too layered, 

too simple, 

too green, 

too big, too small.

Off I go…Hi Suzy, Hi Caz.

If this new situation of quarantine has taught me anything – it is that we have so little control over outside things and we can give up on our dreams too quickly – because we attached them to things outside of ourselves.

No more.

There’s no reason or benefit.

My name is Caroline Storie.

I make quirky, stitched pictures.

They sometimes come in messy packaging.

I sometimes come in messy packaging.

But I am here.

I REALLY love what I do.

IF you have something you love to do – I LOVE to support you too.

Happiness.

That is what I call 

that thing I do!

CX

May - is all about me being wishy, washy.

Hello there!

Over there! 

Way over there.

 How are you?

It’s May.

I think the calendar wants me to talk about “digging deep”.

I don’t think I am really digging deep right now though.

I think I’m more hanging on.

Hanging in.

I just went for my first little outing by myself.

I live about 7 mins walk from town.

I wanted to check out the market and have a little wander.

I really needed some time alone and to get out of the house.

It sadly didn’t feel as good as I had hoped.

The 7 min walk was slow,

and a bit puffy in places.

I feel like I am recovering from a hospital stay or something.

It’s a bit weird out there right now too.

Lots of different types of masks.

Lots of people avoidance.

I got home a little shattered with a headache.

That doesn’t seem very deeply digging does it?

What is this called?

I’m not sure.

I don’t feel sad.

I don’t feel happy.

To be honest I’m not sure I feel anything at all.

Am I just existing at the moment?

Is this a phase of numbness.

Is this just meh?

It’s hard to create things when you are feeling nothingness.

I have tried.

It is pretty poop – what I am making at the mo.

My Poop phase I guess.

Somewhere in the back of my head I can hear a voice saying it’s ok.

That it is just a phase right now.

I know I believe it too.

So I’m not particularly worried.

Just a little lost maybe.

A little blah, pottering around, settling on not much.

If I feel like I have come out of hospital.

Is this just recovery time?

Is this what it needs to be?

Is this what a lot of us need to give ourselves?

Some time to open up slowly.

To find our feet tentatively.

To feel our new way gently.

Will that help us start back?

I honestly have no idea.

IT just seems to be how I am at the moment.

I think I just gave myself permission to get better.

No deep digging.

Just gentle movements and

gentle voices to ourselves.

Permissions granted for whatever it is we are feeling.

Whatever we are deciding.

Confidence in this wishy washy way of being.

Knowledge that we will find strength again.

Just maybe not today.

CX

March, April maybe May - are calendars relevant at the mo?

I haven’t reached out to you.

I’m sorry.

I have been thinking of you.

Wondering how you are doing.

How your family are?

Your friends?

Wondering how you are affected,

by what we have been experiencing.

Are you fine?

Not fine?

Yes to both?

I’ve been fine too.

Not fine.

Yes to both.

I haven’t been able to write until today,

because what could I say?

I didn’t

(and still don’t) 

know where I am at.

What I think.

There haven’t been any words really.

Just feels.

Man the feels.

Lots of those!

And chocolate – 

Lots and lots 

of chocolate.

Were you in that stage too?

I find it too soon 

to analyse 

where we are.

What it means.

What is best.

What comes next.

I mean we 

don’t know.

No-one knows.

We just do what we can.

Sometimes we do what we can’t.

Sometimes we don’t do at all.

And that?

Well that is all ok.

That is as far as I have got.

And knowing that 

I feel pretty good.

CX

Expressing ourselves - makes us happy!

Have you ever thought about the “expressing yourself” story in your life or where you are in that story at the moment?

I know it is a mouthful to get your head around hey!  

Take a minute though if you can to let the idea settle.

Take a minute to let your history start to flow in your mind.  

You may find you start remembering things long forgotten.

You may find yourself remembering links you didn’t know were there.  

These could all be based around this thing I call your “expressing yourself” story. Taking time could help clarify your today.

My story is staggered for sure.  

There are projects that I remember distinctly growing up.

I remember being so absorbed in a picture – a piece of writing – a creative mess about. There are equally large chunks of time of being lost, following other people’s interest, feeling foggy about my likes, my dislikes.  

Where I am today and the commitment I have made to making pictures comes from an equally winding path. Moving away from my friends and my hometown, to a new country, pushed me to listen more to what I liked and what was exciting me.  I no longer had the same crutches that distracted me from bothering to find out before. Before it hadn’t been a necessity, but being pushed out of my comfort zone sparked new ideas with a new sense of a colour and creative need. 

Next came children and the isolation of being a stay at home mum created something greater than a need – it created a desperation in me to have something for myself. My creative dabbles from before of stitching and printing fabric morphed into a direct expression of the mixed up feelings that were happening inside me.  It was utter discomfort that forced me to dig deeper to what I wanted and needed to do and say.  

See the path isn’t always clear – nor is it always pretty – but it is interesting.

It will always reflect where you are in your life and where you are in your “expressing yourself” story.

To express oneself does not have to be through the act of making art.  

It can take many forms – but the feeling that comes from doing whatever it is you do to express yourself will feel similar.  

To express ourselves in some form is a way to feel heard, to feel seen in the world. It is also, arguably more importantly, a way to hear and see ourselves. It is my expression of things around me, that helps me understand more why I am feeling the way I am and why I might be doing a certain thing. It makes me feel that bit closer to understanding myself. 

It is through this clearing of the fog around me that I can make better decisions – decisions that feel right for me. It gives me a sense of separateness from the noise around, to honestly hear what is going on so I don’t get swept away and lost by the thoughts of others.

To express oneself through any medium is ultimately fun.  

Not all the time – sometimes stuff goes wrong, but we come back to our chosen way because first and foremost it makes us smile. It has to – else why begin?  

Why pursue it?

It has to have this fun and exciting element.

It will be the thing that makes you tingle and thrill when it comes together in whatever way that is to you.  It will be the thing that makes you feel ultimately at home with yourself. Doing this act feels like the truest reflection of who you are if you were to try and show yourself asethically. If there were no words – it would be this. It is this you could point and people would go ahhhh yeah I see that.

Then there is the flip coin.  The feelings when we are not expressing ourselves in this harmonious form.  Are we doing a thing that we felt we should do not want to do.  OR are we not doing any expression at all?  That is when we see the other side of ourselves that we want to hide from. The critical, the moody, the sad, the spoiler.  That is when we see a true part of ourselves that is the opposite of our joy.  

There are times in our lives when the expression is hard to do. Maybe the practicalities of what you need aren’t easily available or the time is limited, but we can avoid the falling apart if we recognize what it is we need and introduce it to ours lives in it’s more reduced form.  If we see these small acts as seed planting or mind composting – if we are reading around the subject, thinking about it – doing a little – just a little, then we can save the negative mood swamp.

But the explosion will come when it is it time to get back. It will come with a force that might scare us. It will come as a very primal roar of I NEED TO DO THIS. No matter how insignificant the THIS may seem to the outside world – it is far from insignificant to your life, to your world, to your joy.  This roar is there to protect and remind you that it is the right time for you to get back to it – to get back to that expression – to get back to you.  

Why? 

Simply put it is a human need to express ourselves. 

To feel seen, to feel heard and to feel connected and understood in just a small way. 

That is what living is about.

So I ask you - what is your story of expressing yourself and where are you in that story today?

All my love in this wonderful, manic, creative trip we are on.

CX

Yarn - makes us happy

I am mixing my blog up a bit this year.

I thought instead of writing posts directly related to the theme of the calendar month, I am going to take you with me through the month and see if I can highlight any helpful lessons learned, lessons I have yet to learn or just wth moments, to see if any themes I talk about relate to where you are in your own life stuff.

January was an intense month in the land of stitched pictures because we moved her home across town. No more little blue house - shall I be reaching out to you from, but from big brown one.

She is lovely - and as hard as it was to leave my nest - since arriving, big brown has welcomed us with open arms.

The bonus with the move is that stitched pictures by Caroline Storie now has a very spacious, dedicated space which is AMAZING. As I slowly unpack - I will be bringing you snippets of my stitched pictures land as she unfolds.

The dedicated space is very much a statement that I am wholly committed to whatever this creative hop, skip and jump I have been on will bring. I am all in and isn’t that petrifying?

I thought it was, but as I move around and fabric angel on the floor - it doesn’t feel as horrifying as I thought - in fact it feels more - lets go!

Now I just have to find out what that means.

Last year I signed up to Indie Roller’s kickstarter - a handbook for Indie businesses along with a course to work through at your own pace. What attracted me to Leona and Indie Roller is how she sets out from the beginning that this business is all about doing things your way. Getting firm on what you are about and going with that - not flailing around and comparing yourself to what everyone else is up to.

This speaks to me in volumes. My business has always been hard for me to clarify. I make products as in cards and prints and pictures, but there is a bigger flavour to what my pictures are about and that was as important as the visual art itself. When I compared my progress to people around me it made me feel lacking, missing something - products aren’t flying off the shelves, my audience is relatively small - why am I doing this? My panic mantra is always “am I just putting my crazy out there?”

When I started to look at it through the lens that Leona was talking, I saw that I was progressing at exactly the right pace. I was opening up just as I needed to be. It wasn’t anything about lacking and missing - the issue was about not fully owning who I was and what I do - or even not valuing it - rather than not owning. Not realizing that the honest who we are and what we want to do - is the only secret you need to know. Once you have got a clear sight of that - that is when the magic comes. That is when the right opportunities come, because you are in the right place. You are saying no to the distractions and yes to the things that are right.

You also know that you have been doing that already on a small scale. The things that always felt right, the yes’s you were certain of, the good feels, the happy feels, the things that made you feel the harmony of all the things that had been rolling around in your brain so long. Those are the keys! Those are the things where you were able to shut the nattering talk down and go for it. Sitting down and looking at these in more detail, with more curiosity is going to unlock for you the full answer if you are feeling the same lacking and missing that I was.

IT is so cliche to be yourself - but it is equally the best thing you can do for your peace of mind. Don’t mask or dilute things anymore to suit what you “think” you should be doing or how you think you need to be seen. Take a step, one, two, three on the path of the clear yes’s and it is going to eliminate more and more that brain fog. IT could well be the thing that makes you feel utterly sick - that you need to listen to (see my video on instagram) - it could be the thing that makes you nervous, or smile, or sing. I don’t know what your signal is when the thing is right - but once you find yours, listen to those sounds or those tingles because they are telling you when you are on the right track.

SO what is my track?

This is what I have come up with so far.

I am here to let people know that we can all feel better - but we don’t have to feel amazing all the time.

I am here to highlight that the little feels and activities of our day to day are significant.

I am here to show that tea, colour, chats and understanding can solve quite a lot.

And maybe most importantly to me:

I am here to let you know that if I can do this - you most certainly can too! If you have something to express that you haven’t found an outlet for - it is there for you - I promise! Just wait for the tingles - and see where they take you!

Wishing you a happy, colourful, creative day.

Cx

A little welcome to The Happy Introvert Calendar 2020

Welcome to my 2020 calendar - The happy introvert.

I am so excited that we get to do this together again this year, some of you have been with me for four years now (can you believe it?).

I want to start this by telling you a little about the process of bringing these calendars together. When the print date loomed near this year - I couldn’t see how I was ever going to be ready - it really didn’t look like it was going to be possible.

I usually work on the pictures specific for the calendar throughout the year. I store the pictures along the way and collate / final edit around October. All was going great until I hit the summer holidays (they are 9 weeks long here in Canada - I mention that a lot in social media!!) and then productivity went down the toilet. I can’t even fully reason why - except to say that balancing two children who decided they disliked each other immensely overnight - along with the other juggles of life - left me with little time and when time did arrive, very little mojo.

On 31st August 2019 news came of my mum’s passing. She had been in a care home with advanced dementia for around 4 years. In truth I had probably lost her as “mum” a couple of years before. The cloak of her illness subtly drew her away from much awareness of what was going on with that crazy daughter of her’s - who lived far away in “what’s it called.”

A trip home immediately to help support my sister and to say goodbye to mum for the month of September - left me coming home feeling pretty detached from things. Two weeks after my return we foolishly viewed a house - fell in love with it and entered full swing into the joys of listing, selling and buying. I had told my daughter that Daddy and I were going to be really bad parents for a couple of days as we got our house ready for showing - a couple of weeks ago my daughter commented “you said you would be bad parents for a couple of days but it’s been nearly six weeks.” ha ha such is the running around for the process.

SO readers I guess I am really writing this intro to you at a time of looking for direction and guidance rather than feeling the narrator of knowing. I am in that tricky place of transition and between us - I haven’t been handling it the best. The new situations that are coming - coupled with the loss of mum have put me steps back. I am anxious ridden, panic attacking, snappy, feasting and morose.

Quite the bundle of fun to hang with hey!

With all of the above taking me away from my calendar work though - miracles of miracles happened. Literally the day after I announced “there will not be a calendar this year” to my creative group - within 2 days after she was born.

And here she is.

And I love her.

I was able to bring this project together from a place of “couldn’t possibly” to “by jove I think I’ve got it.”

And isn’t that really the beauty of this darn ol’ creative process - that I harp on and harp back to over and over.

Doesn’t this invisible, magical energy swoop us up and create something tangible from our individual brain mushes.

Doesn’t this, whatever that is, create it’s own hope and joy and feeling of bigger than us, watching us, looking out for us.

And isn’t that really why I turn up to my cutting table, my sewing machine, my paints every time - willing some magic to show up - pleeeaaaasssse. And in between those days of cocked up pictures, tangled machine threads and pin pricked “oh there it is” toe, days - just sometimes creativity finally takes pity on me, waves her magic brush and grants me some sense and place in my messy trys.

And so…

If you are still with me…

tomorrow we begin our new calendar.

Our fresh new page.

Each month i will join you and check in to see how you are, just like usual.

I will take each month as it is though. I don’t have any preconceptions this year or set goals of what we will discuss this time round. It is a different way of doing this - but man do I actually feel some tingles of excitement about that.

Thank you as always for joining me on this ride.

Thank you for any help you can share as I negotiate new spaces - new roles.

Until January we say…

Oh man - that’s tomorrow!

CX

December - is all about the setting free

Well gang, here we are!

Did you ever think you would get there with all those highs and then those lows and then a few meh’s thrown in?

Well you did!

I did too!

We did.

So now is the time to release. 

From wherever you have travelled this year to today.

From whatever you have grown to know, to create, to feel.

From whichever conclusions this 12-month project of crafting creating you have drawn.

Now is the time to let them go.  

Exhale them now into the world – for they are ready as they are…

You are ready, as you are. 

There is no need for more filtering or finicking.

It is the letting go that is going to create the flow.

It is going to allow you to grow more, to learn more, to create more. 

To hold on is to stop, it will stunt the process just when it was gaining momentum.

So however hard, however weird this may feel – set your ideas, your work, your creations free.

Sometimes we fall into the trap after working so hard of calling this our baby.

That to let it go feels too raw, so much invested, too precious.  

I feel this is a mistake as this thinking will halt you – scare you – bring new feelings of anxiety and vulnerability.  

You have to keep your mood as light here as you can.

I know it isn’t easy, but you have to try and be as free, as hippy as your character allows because it is keeping this flow, this lightness, this want to share that will bring far more back to you than you could possibly know right now.

And isn’t this the reason we do this?  Isn’t this why we go through the lows and the mehs…because we are curious, we are curious to know how our dreams and thoughts will really fly in the world…what connections they may have, what feelings they may stir outside of us, outside of our bodies and taking flight of their own accord, out into a welcoming world.

Your creations will find their people – they always do – it is not now for you to worry and fret about them – for they are doing their own thing.  

And you? 

Well you are now free to work on your own thing just a little bit more.

I hope you have enjoyed this weird, wonderful trip with me!  I have and I have learned lots.  Please know that any inspiration or aha’s you may have had along the way are there for me too.  Please don’t think that I got this – my writings are my way of finding what needs to be done and if you have any aha’s of your own to share that have worked for you – I am here to learn more too.  

I so look forward to seeing all your ideas and creations floating past me in this crazy world! I hope you enjoy watching them take flight.

The warmest of wishes 

Cx

November - is all about the freak out!

Ahhh the freak out.  

Yes, I am a little bit in ALL of this years sentiments – but the FREAK OUT?

Well that one is me 100%

It is perfect timing to pop this lovely lady right after the act of grandeur I was encouraging last month.  See, the freak out happens everytime for me just before a grandeur act is about to come to fruition.

Whatever it is I have signed up for or been accepted into – 1 week or 2 weeks before the date – after a very grown up and reasonable lady has shown herself for quite some time – this other crazy person takes over me and likes to shine.

ALL the good work I have been doing on being calm, doing the work and having faith in my abilities will just be chucked right out the window. IT is like a tornado that comes on through. I will doubt my work, make silly mistakes, feel utterly overwhelmed at the outstanding things that need to be done or get really fixated on some small part of a project and blow it way out of proportion. 

It is nice to write about this state in the calm state that I am in now – as I can see how aware I am of my own weaknesses in the here and now – but the reality of the “I’m crap, this is crap, that will be crap and I can’t cope with that crap.” Can feel so real.

I am very lucky to have my people in place – my creative group,my family and my friends who all know this cookey side of Caz very well.  They will talk me off my ledge, rub my shoulders, lullaby me and feed my confidence back to a state of health.  Will there ever come a time that this won’t happen?  Who knows! Maybe if I become experienced enough, but wouldn’t that mean I wasn’t really challenging myself anymore? Wouldn’t that mean that I wasn’t then fully alive in what I was doing? Darn it, is this what it means to be fully living the creative life I always wanted to? 

The fact remains that there are more and more things that I am not a hair pulling mess when I once was.  I can hang my art in front of people without getting a migraine and losing sight in one eye, I can sell my products comfortably at shows I have done before, I can still pull projects together at the last minute when I really thought they weren’t going to happen.  This is all learning and growth for me.  Yet new things are going to make me flap no matter how organized, meditative or low sugar’d/caffeinated I become.  I honestly think it is a part of workings right now for the being in something that means so much to me.

So hair pully, cry / screamey I may get sometimes.  But that doesn’t mean I pull the plug. I still do the “thing” – and each time I do this I might just learn that just because I think I suck at this, just maybe I’ve got this more than I know.

October - is all about the big spangly pant armour!

As we venture down this wonky road of intuition, pursuing projects we care about, we are going to come to a point where our cheeky little ego starts showing us things that are a little bit exciting, a little bit exceptional, just a little bit above our little stations.  Our ego starts to say heyyyyy this is actually really quite cool, I am soooo sorry I doubted you – let me help you, let’s DO this.

Then worry, concern and little miss safe reality steps in…no, no no..not that for you she says …that is just too much, too fancy, too big for you…that just isn’t for you my dear…now come sit back down and let’s keep doing this.

And soooo the battle begins…you wonder hmmmm was that too much ego?  Am I getting too inflated? Or was that really just what I needed?  Hmmm little safety, comfortable person…were you really looking out for me – or are you just a little too comfortable, a little too scared?

So on and on we go and honestly who can say who is right and who is wrong in our heads?

But - what do you want to do?

Do you want to give that glistening thing a go?

Do you have much to lose if you were to try?

Could it be time to don a pair of big spangly pants?

Maybe it really Is the time to get a little bit of grandeur about you – just to make the leap a little bit more possible? Everywhere you look – at the people you admire – they had to wear the grandeur armour too.  Don’t be fooled into thinking they felt free from fear, imposter syndrome, the this isn’t for someone like me little voice – they had it, but they did it despite this, not without.

That could be you too you know!

So what do you think?

Is it time?

 Is it time to try and shine?

And maybe one day …you’ll believe you do…without having to pretend in your glitter pants of armour!

Just maybe! But today it’s ok to glam, fake it just a little bit.

SO much, luck, love and excitement from me.

CX

September - is all about the progress through the problems...

In our daily dealings – instant gratification surrounds us and fills us with expectation.  Add to that the huge access we have on social media to beautiful people doing wonderful, amazing things and it is easy to fall into the trap of beating ourselves up and falling apart when we hit a few bumps in our project road.  What kind of person are you when you hit a bump?

I know the kind of person I would like to be.  

My hubby is a bit like this (unless it involves technology going wrong).

When a problem arises I would love to take it in my stride.  

Have the faith that a solution will show itself.  

Be calm enough to weigh up a variety of solutions and when the time is right, smooth the issue and continue on my way.

That is the person I would like to be.  

The problem though is I am what I like to term “a freak bag”.  A problem arises and I…well I fall apart.  A technical issue, a knowledge gap (I like that term), an assumption of outcome that turns out to be false.  Basically whenever a situation arises that stops me from wherever I thought I was heading, I have a tendency to do a variety of the below:

·     Beat myself up at how rubbish I am to be in this situation and spend hours on social media looking at other people being amazing.

·     Rush solutions – costing me more money that it should or taking me on paths I don’t need and shouldn’t be on – basically wasting time, energy and money.

·     Ruminate – over and over and over.  Refusing to take a break until I have forced the issue in some way, which typically can make it worse and solves very little.

·     Feel an utter failure – and convince myself that no-one else goes through this and that this has happened because I am cursed or ridiculous.  I am a cursed ridiculousa.

·     Just generally fall apart.

How does the above sound?  Anything familiar or do you have more to add to the list of woe?

I don’t think we are entirely to blame.  The voice of our culture is very much one of instant perfection and success. There is not much room left for mistakes, hiccups and problems, so our ability to deal with stuff, our resiliency I guess, can be quite low.

In order to stop becoming a problems puddle I have had to change my notion of what a problem is.  Problems are going to come no matter what you do.  As long as you are on a path where you are doing something that has meaning and joy for you then these obstacles, issues, annoying little bastards are as much a part of your journey as the successes and the highs.  You cannot have one without the other, there is no yin without the yang and actually I would argue that the high’s and the successes come from overcoming these obstacles. It is the obstacle that is propelling you forward as much as the win itself– and that is why I see (at least I try, try, try to see) them more as stepping stones.

When an obstacle comes – it means you are growing into new learning.  If there were no obstacles, there would be no learning or growth.

When an obstacle comes - it is showing you clearly your direction.  It is showing you the path you are on.  It is a marker of where you are on your trail.

When an obstacle comes - it means you are still moving forward. There would be no wall, no block if you were just standing still. The obstacle is proof itself that you have made progress.

When an obstacle comes - a breath is going to help better than a meltdown.

I mean, if you need to have a meltdown that is fine too.

But then take your breath.

When an obstacle comes - sit with the knowledge that every amazing person you see smiling on social media has had one too, is having one now and is going to have one in the future. It is not just you.

Ahhh I do feel a little better already.  

Do you too?

When I stand a little still in the day or in my studio and really take the time to see where I am at, every gain I have made has come from overcoming a problem, learning a new skill, or rising out of one of my puddles.

When I stand a little still in the day I can see some obstacles that I still need to overcome.

When I stand a little still in the day I am learning to breathe first, and take a little step inch by inch on that stepping stone of a problem, because I remember it is taking me forwards, even if it feels like a step back.  

And even if I have a little meltdown on one step before I take another – then that is ok too.  Because this is still really where I want to go!

Enjoy your stone stepping this month!

 Cx